Four weeks ago [tomorrow] I got the old cancer diagnosis.

A lot of people are somewhat surprised at my reaction, or rather my lack of reaction, to the news.

Of course I reacted. It came as a little bit of a shock, but then cancer has a bad name and bad associations. Not so long ago people wouldn’t even mention the word and it was generally referred to as “the C word” spoken in hushed tones as if the mere mention of it could cause an outbreak. So I thought about it for a while and shrugged. I’m not a doctor or a surgeon or even a professor so there was little I could do about it. It was in the hands of others and all I have to do is sit back and take each day as it comes.

I grant things have been a little surreal in the last four weeks, with Herself in hospital, myself ending up in the same hospital for an entirely different reason and of course the demise of poor Penny. But these were all events that were essentially out of my hands [with the exception of Penny]. I let life drift and let the system decide what would line up for me each day.

So while I am drifting along letting each day decide my course and apparently not giving a shit about the future [there is fuck all point in worrying about the future: what will be will be] others are reacting in their own way and are worrying about me at a time I’m not particularly worried about myself.

Yesterday Scrobs posted a comment on my brainfart. –

Grandad I like seeing your good news.

There’s shit below the seams, but your spirit makes me feel pleasingly intimidated with your avengeance, so stay still, stand firm and beat the bastards off one by one…

I’ve had a crap day today, thinking of you. I may even post a piece explaining why…

I was somewhat taken aback by this. Why would anyone have a crap day because of my little problems? Now I feel fucking guilty.

Last night he posted a fuller explanation which makes me feel even worse.

Throughout today, I’ve felt really miserable about our friend’s predicament

Why would anyone be miserable about me? Guilt piled upon guilt. I honestly don’t want anyone to feel bad about my life. My situation is what it is. There is little to be done except to accept what each day brings along. Today I will possibly have a visit from Daughter who has taken it upon herself to make sure I eat every day. Then I will probably visit Herself. I also have to arrange to have the car valeted so I can go about trading it in. Maybe I’ll have a quiet coffee in the village [having no dog or Missus at home means I’m not having to rush home all the time].

I confess I am somewhat taken aback by the general reaction in the area and in the village. Being rural Ireland everyone knows about my cancer and my dramatic crash in the coffee shop last week [that has become a bit of a local legend at this stage] and everyone is offering help. I have had total strangers approach me offering to help any time day or night. Of course there is little anyone can do but it does leave me somewhat humbled. Having said that, people offering their sympathies, prayers, Karma or whatever is a huge help. I know I’m not on my own and that probably is the biggest factor in my acceptance of things.

I want to be with the guy, chat with him, have a glass of whiskey with him, and generally do what old Scrobs do under the circumstances.

Now that is something I would really like. I would love to have a chat and share a bottle and generally bat the breeze. Sadly I don’t somehow think Scrobs lives anywhere near here so it would be a little problematic. A real pity.

But please don’t cry for me.