The postman woke me this morning.

Well, actually he woke the dog who woofed and that woke me at the ungodly hour of eight in the morning.

Now fair enough, this has happened before many times but usually I have to listen carefully just to make sure that it is the postman and not some burglar or one of the in-laws trying to break in.    This morning however there was a loud clatter from the letter box flap so I knew it was not only the post, but a substantial post.  I went back to sleep.

A few hours later I remembered this substantial post and thought that I had better check.  Was it a letter telling me some forgotten relation had died and left me a million or two?  Was it an invitation to a free booze-up somewhere?  Was it some massive tax bill that I could never afford to pay?  The excitement and anticipation was almost unbearable.  I opened the door to the porch and there it was.

One single little envelope addressed to me.

So I thought to myself that it doesn’t take that much paper to tell me I had inherited a fortune.  I opened it.

Make the most of your hearing this Christmas.

Just like that.  Yes – they shouted the word “hearing” at me.  Do they think I am fucking deaf?  Well, yes, I suppose they do.

Why?

Now there are many ways to annoy me.  You can send me unsolicited letters, for one.  Then there’s the small matter of mentioning the C word in mid-November.  And of course you can imply that I am suffering from some sort of infirmity that I don’t have.  This crowd had hit the jackpot – a Royal Flush of annoyance.

My hearing happens to be quite exceptional for my age apart from the Tinnitus.  That’s just a loud whistle in my head that I have had for many years and I have learned to ignore it by mentally tuning that frequency out.  Apart from that though, I can hear a butterfly fart down in the village from here [provided he farts at a different frequency from my whistle].

I read down through their letter anyway.  They are offering to clean and check my current hearing aids.  Wow!  That will be a little tricky as I don’t have one.  They are offering advice for a loved one?  What the fuck is that?  They are offering a free pack of batteries.  Jayzus but the kitchen drawers are full of batteries!  I grant that most of them are dud but there are some good ones.

And then we have the big one….

They are offering me €500 off the latest hearing aids!

Now if the latest devices cost in the region of €501, then this might be a tempting offer, but even if they were offering half price, this would mean shelling of half a grand for something I don’t need.  Talk about getting on the seasonal bandwaggon!

So hear is my greeting to Advance Hearing, whoever you are.

Just fuck off this Christmas and leave me alone.