I phoned those nice people in Google a while ago.

It wasn’t easy getting through as I had to go through one of those “Press 1 if you want Accounts” type exchanges. Google has so many fingers in the pie now that their phone menu is quite long.

So after I’d pressed 5 for enquiries, 9 for Applications, 158 for Google Earth, 3 for helpdesk and 0 to speak to something that was actually breathing, I finally got the chap I was looking for.

“Hey” says he. “How can I help ya?”. They seem to say “Hay” a lot these days. It used to be just “Hi”.

“Are you the chap that takes the photographs for Google Earth” says I.

There was a pause. “I’m sure I can help ya” says he. “What’s the problem?”.

I explained to him that they had been kind enough to include my house in Google Earth but that I wasn’t happy with the quality.

“Gee” says himself. “We try to please everyone. Even the Chinese. What’s the problem with the photo?”.

So I told him how the photo wasn’t very good resolution and that they had taken it in winter. This meant that the shadows were very long and all my garden was in the shade.

“Ah! And where do you live?”

“Search me” says I.

“Very funny. Ha ha.”

“Sorry about that” says I. “I couldn’t help it”. I gave him my address.

“That’s fine” says he. “We will send a spider to photo your site shortly”.

“Ah Jayzus no. Herself hates spiders. I have to spend ages chasing them around the house trying to catch them. Then it takes me another hour to get Herself down off the roof”.

“OK” says he. “We’ll send a bot”.

“Send what you like” says I, “as long as it doesn’t scare Herself or the dog”.

“Roger that” he said. [All Americans seem to think they are astronauts or in the army] “We will visit your site over the coming weeks. Anything else?”

“Any chance that when people type ‘blog’ in Google that my site will come out at the top?”

“No” says he, “but I’ll fix it that when they type ‘headrambles.com’ you’ll get a fair mention. Have a good day”.

I resisted the temptation to reply “Copy that. Thats’a big ten four, Good Buddy”

I was very happy with that call. He was such a nice bloke.

But then.. Bugger me but they photographed the place the next day! There was my house in Google Earth. Nice and crisp and clear. But it was a mess. The grass was untidy and the car was filthy. At least they should have given me a chance to spruce the place up a bit. I mean, you don’t photograph someone without giving them a chance to comb their hair?

So I have washed the car, mowed the lawn, and Herself has taken her underwear off the line. Now all I have to do is phone Google again.