On losing one’s virginity
Every week we have a change of staff.
The others here in the ward aren’t aware of this as they are usually only here for a couple of nights. I remain the longest standing inmate by miles – five and a half weeks and counting – so am well aware of the pulse of hospital life.
Anyhows the leader of our current coterie is a very attractive young Filipino lass, or at least that is my assumption as to her origin. She is bright and bubbly and dances around the ward with a comment for everyone. Now if I were fifty years younger……..
Visits from nursing staff [male or female] tend to be welcome as it is a little bump in the unrelenting boredom of the day. They might be dropping by to measure blood pressure [several times a day], to check on healing progress, to take a blood sample, to take an anal swab [yes, not a misprint and an apparent fetish of theirs], to supply me with yet more pills or to minister to our various wounds. It was the last of these that brought Nurse to my bedside today.
She stood there pulling on the ubiquitous latex gloves and making small talk. “I’m here to clean your wound” says she. Funnily enough people seem to steer shy of my wound and it hasn’t received that much hands-on attention, not that that seems to have impaired its healing at all. The “Team” that descend on me before eight in the morning have taken to having a peek and I am seriously thinking of charging them an admission fee to see into the inside of my face. I have discovered that I have something that few have seen, including myself until a couple of days ago when I took the plunge and a selfie at the same time.
Nurse asked me to remove the mask that normally resides in place of my nose. I did so. She has a tube of ointment in one hand and the other hand was loaded and ready for action. She very nervously approached. She peered and tentatively started applying the ointment to the rim of my hole. “This is the first time I have seen a nose removal and I’m a bit nervous. You’re my first” says she. “No worries” says I, “you’re doing grand and I can hardly feel a thing [which was true]”. She did a fine job and I told her so.
So she lost her virginity. Even better, she lost it in my face.
They say you never forget your first?
Ah. Shades of The Singing Detective. A marvelous Potter TV series. They don’t make em like that anymore.
The name is familiar but I don’t think I ever saw it. Doubtless it will appear on an obscure satellite channel sometime?!
Highly recommended, especially the nurse, played by Joanna Whalley, utterly gorgeous eyes. Not that Michael Gambon would have noticed those, her other creamy ministrations would have blinded him to them.
Six quid on Ebay! I bought it a few years ago, seen it several times, and am now destined to watch it all over again – it’s brilliant!
The ‘ointment scenes’ may bring a certain tendency to ‘the regions’, Grandad, but you’ll be fine!
I never understood why she went on to marry that egocentric bad US film actor, who has since returned to well deserved obscurity.
But for that scene, she will be remembered for ever.
At least you haven’t got to 91/2 weeks! (I think that was the film title). I guess the clinical staff are focussed on the healing process and won’t let you out before they’re completely done, so time may not be a factor for them, yours must be a fairly unique case so you’re likely to be getting the best care (or so I hope).
I also hope there’s no Sid James character around who’s let out the manor in your absence (or even opened a holiday camp there). I think I’d be wanting CCTV to check up, or maybe Daughter has everything in hand!
If you’re able to concentrate, is this the time to write those memoirs? (perhaps not, thinking of ‘Kind Hearts & Coronets). Best stick to reading the Focus manual,
Be good, especially around the nurses, and if you can’t……
I had a trivial op (cataract) yesterday and am desparate to get back to my normal working after only a day, so admire your patience in dealing with the enforced idleness, and hope you are finding ways of dealing with it, but for heavens sake, don’t watch/listen to what passes for ‘news’ – you wouldn’t believe it.
Best wishes
@Ian J
Ah! Quite a few points….
The modern system seems determined to pump out fully healthy individuals. Maybe they are afraid of litigation? Anyhows, with cancer, I might be in for a long stay! There is also the factor that it’s rare so they all want to have a look.
As I type (!) the Manor is probably already full to the brim with asylum seekers both in the manor house and on the lawns. I’m trying to get Daughter to park *my* car on my driveway to at least give the idea I’m home, but she’s much too fond of driving it herself.
‘Tis strange you mentioned memoirs. I have been pondering on the idea for a few days and only today Herself suggested the same. Something that requires a little more thought but will have to wait until I am home.