This is not a smart house.

I don’t mean the occupants are dim or anything like that, but it’s just not one of those houses where everything is interconnected.

There are some devices I grant.

There’s the SatNav which can be voice controlled, therefore it has to listen all the time in case I shout at it. I don’t mind this as it may listen to satellites but it doesn’t transmit. What happens with SatNav therefore stays with SatNav.

There’s my washing machine which I can control from my phone [though I rarely do] to technically it’s connected to the Web from time to time. If anyone wants to do my washing by remote control they’re welcome. Just don’t wash wool on a normal cycle?

There’s my CCTV which is connected to the Web permanently. If anyone wants to hack that, they’re welcome. All they’ll find is an image of my car and the front gate. Fascinating for about thirty seconds and then it becomes very boring.

I can control Herself’s radio from my phone. I don’t know if she’s aware of this but the odd time I’ll adjust the volume up or down depending on what’s on. Handy.

Yesterday for various reasons I took a passing interest in Alexa. Apparently there’s an application for my phone. Out of curiosity I went to install it. At the bottom of the screen [where few people venture] it gave a list. The list was of the applications on my phone that it wanted access to in order to pass the information to third parties.

It wanted access to my location. That’s fine. Third parties are doubtless interested in the fact that I rarely leave the house.

It wanted access to my calendar. I’m not sure it’ll find that interesting. Apart from appointments to see Doc there’s nothing there except the days the various bins have to be put out.

It wants access to my financial information. What the fuck? No fucking way kiddo.

It wants access to my contacts, photos, videos, name, address, phone numbers, what applications I’m using and it wants to permanently listen to my private life. All this is presumably sent back to base. It even wants information on my health. So any time they want to, they can find out what I am doing, what I am buying and in which shop, every conversation with everyone, who all my contacts are along with their phone numbers and if I’m healthy or not. All of this is being lapped up by a “third party” who is not named.

They can go fuck themselves.

My home will remain dumb and private.