Tomorrow the EU is introducing its famous traffic lights travel map.

The general idea is categorise countries into safe to visit, dodgy or keep the fuck away.

However, in rather typical EU fashion their traffic lights are not the same as the ones I’m used to. I expected a red, amber, green combination but instead we have red, amber, green, blue, pale blue, grey and various other shades of red/orange and different shades of green. Even more confusing is the apparent choice of traffic lights you wish to obey. I shudder to think what driving through Brussels must be like if that’s what they have to contend with at every junction. It must be a fucking nightmare.

Anyways there is one aspect which is in fact very realistic: just about anywhere I might want to go to, the lights are red. The story of my life?

The only spot that seems to be safe is Greenland.

Or Switzerland, because that doesn’t exist.