At the beginning of the month I mentioned I was having some watch trouble.

I decided to buy myself a new one.

My needs were simple – an analogue watch with a minimum of two hands, and a display that showed the date and day.  Not too much to ask for?  Hah!  Do you think I could find such a simple beast?  They were all either analogue watches that just had a tiny window for the date or were fucking digital throughout.  Prices ranged from tacky cheap plastic yokes that wouldn't last a wet Monday through to poncey yokes that cost a couple of grand.

Eventually I found one on Amazon that looked as if it might tick my vast list of two requirements.  I ordered it.  That was on the 2nd.

The first thing Amazon did was to give me a page where I could track my order as it crept across the face of the planet.  It was like a thermometer that started on March the 2nd and ended in my house on April the 1st.  Now why it takes so long is beyond me but I started watching my special thermometer just out of interest.  Day by day it slowly crept across the screen and the anticipation was mighty.

It is now about half way across the screen and I have to admire the technology that can be so accurate.  The fact that the watch arrived last Friday is neither here nor there and a mere trivial detail in the face of such technical prowess.

So I have the watch.

The first thing that fell out of the box was a little manual about a quarter inch thick.  What the fuck?  Does it take that much paper to explain how to read a watch?  Anyhows, being a man I put it to one side without reading it.

The next thing I discovered was that the strap was too big.  It hung on my wrist like a fucking necklace.  I may have a penchant for Mars Bars and sweet tea but my figure is still slim and Adonis-like and my wrist is in proportion to the rest of me – slim.  I poked around looking for an adjustment and discovered a few of the links had little arrows.  Aha! I though, why stick little arrows on them?  There must be a reason.  I searched the Interweb and sure enough found a video that showed me how to remove links.  I set about it and removed two.  The watch was now a perfect fit but the latch was to one side which meant it was crooked.  I replaced one of the links and removed one from the other side.  That's better!

Time to set the watch.

Time to open the manual.

Fuck!

It transpires that my humble little watch has more than sufficient computing power to send a mission to Mars.

It tells the time.  It also tells the day and date.  So far so good.  It also has a stopwatch, a timer, world time, several alarms and a startling little feature that it can remember up to twenty names and phone numbers.  I'm not quite sure about the latter feature.  My phone also remembers phone numbers and can actually phone them, and it also tells the time, so maybe this is the world of chronology hitting back? 

The problem with my watch is that it only has four buttons, so to do anything worthwhile I have to press them in certain sequences and in some cases have to hold down a particular button for a set period of time.  Sometimes I have to press more than one button at a time which is tricky with one hand.  All these codes have to be memorised or else I have to carry my quarter inch booklet at all times.  I wonder if they do an MSc in watch programming?  I think the best idea is just to forget everything and just use my watch to tell the time?  It might be easier in the long run.

My watch also claims that it is not only waterproof but that the battery will last ten years.  I like that.  It pissed me off in the past having to travel to Skobieville just to buy a teeny little battery that cost me more than its weight in gold.  In fact my watch should pay for itself.

Have to stop now.

It's time for dinner in Tokyo.