Dear Santa,

You may remember me. I wrote to you somewhere around the middle of the last century asking for an electric train set. I must have been bold that year because I got a pair of socks instead. I didn’t mind because they were probably more useful. I used them to keep my toy cars in.

I did lose faith in you after that for a few decades, and I’m sorry.

Now I’m entering my second childhood, so now I can believe in you again. So I’m giving you another chance.

I have been very good for the last year, and I’m not going to ask for anything as complicated as an electric train set [though I would still like one sometime].

I’m not going to ask for anything like World Peace. I’ll leave that to beauty queens and Rose of Tralee contestants. And Bob Geldoff and Bono. I just want simple things.

Firstly I’d like a set of marbles. Herself keeps telling me I’m losing mine, so I’d better have some new ones.

Talking of simple things, could you please give George W a few more brain cells? Just enough to let him work out for himself that he’s an idiot. And teach him to make love, not war.

Could you please remove all the speed bumps on the roads I use? That’s not asking too much surely? I’m tired of my head banging off the car roof every time I go over one.

And talking of roads, could you please remove all that paint they keep putting on roads? All those lanes and arrows and warnings just confuse me, and I’m afraid I might cause an accident because I keep finding myself in the wrong lane.

I suppose there is no chance of having my old teeth back? Preferably the ones I had before ’71 when that nasty accident knocked all my good ones out? The ones I have now are OK but they’re not quite the same thing.

I’d like a new government too, please. Not a change of government, but a brand new one. One that cares about the people and not themselves. One that will line my pockets, not their own.

Could you please give Pat ‘The Plank’ Kenny a personality? I’m sure he’d appreciate it. I know the rest of us would.

Could you please help all those people who are obsessed with sport, and find them something else to do. Like reading, or sleeping?

And if you do find yourself with a spare electric train set, I still haven’t lost hope….

Lovingly yours,

Grandad

P.S. I’m sure the children of the world would enjoy toys for much longer if they [the toys] didn’t have to have batteries and remote controls. On second thoughts, could you make it so that all children require batteries and remote controls?

G