It’s Budget Time.

But this time I’m writing the budget. I have an inside contact in Brian Cowen’s office and she is going to switch it for the official one just before the speech so they’ll have to read it out because it’ll be the only one they’ll have…………….

This year we are going to tackle that section of the community that has been so sorely neglected over the past years – The Government.

Starting in January, all TDs and ministers salaries will be doubled. [pause for cheers] Tax will be levied on the revised salaries at the rate of 100%. [pause for silence] This means that all TDs will be taking home nothing, but will be contributing a massive amount to the coffers, and we can’t complain because we have had a doubling of salary.

All TDs allowances are to be scrapped. The Great Unwashed don’t get allowances so why should we? We realise that this means the Taoiseach will have to grow his hair long, and we will all have to stay at home on St. Patrick’s day, but we must all make sacrifices.

An exception to this is a new allowance of 5000 Euro per annum per Taoiseach for elocution lessons, and lessons in the art of public speaking.

Ministerial cars will be abolished. From now on, we will use public transport only so that we can experience the life that ordinary people have to put up with. It will be good for us and we will gain valuable insight into the dire state of public transportation in this country.

With regard to Health, we must lead by example. Any minister who is overweight shall have a grant for liposuction and a mandatory wiring of the jaws.

Any member of the Dail who requires hospital treatment will attend at a public hospital, and will remain at the bottom of the queue until seen by a doctor.

At election time, every candidate will pay a levy of 100 Euro on every poster that they stick up around the towns and cities. 50 Euro will be refunded once they are removed, provided it is done the day after the election.

The above measures will raise in the region of 5 billion Euro.

For some time now, there has been a crisis in the housing industry. The following measures will address that.

All immigrants, whether foreign nationals, or returning nationals will have unrestricted entry, provided they bring their own house and land with them.

The Port Tunnel, which is now redundant because it is too low, will be converted into underground apartments at affordable prices.

In line with its policy of decentralisation, the Dail will move to Rockall. This will, for once and for all establish our sovereignty over this island. Budgetary provisions have been made for a rowing boat. Leinster house will be refurbished to provide low cost appartments.

The following proposal is to resolve the crisis in the childcare industry.

From January the first, all pre-school children will remain at home with one parent. The children will be brought up in a better environment, will be better behaved and will feel more loved. Our parents did it this way and it works.

For the elderly and disabled, there will be a 100% grant for whatever they need, provided it is necessary.

All VAT and tax will be abolished on pipe tobacco. All other tobacco products will remain the same.

All VAT and tax will be abolished on Guinness. All other alcohol products will remain the same with the exception of American beers and all those new yuppy drinks and cocktails where VAT and tax will increase by 1000%.

Car and fuel VAT and tax will remain the same, except in the case of SUVs, 4 wheel drives, or whatever you want to call them. They will pay ten times the normal rate of VAT and tax. This will apply to their fuel purchases as well.

Income tax will be reduced to 10% up to a ceiling of 40,000 Euro. Above this, income tax will be levied at the rate of 90%.

All agricultural relief will be abolished. If they can’t farm profitably, they shouldn’t be in the business. All farmers will pay full tax to bring them into line with the PAYE sector.

As we have an additional surplice of a billion or two Euro, I intend to reduce the carnage on our roads. To do this, I am providing free transport to all citizens, to and from pubs. In addition, there will be a full grant for all public houses to build smoking lounges.

To encourage computer literacy in the older section of the population, there will be an annual tax free grant of 100,000 Euro to anyone over the age of 55 who maintains a blog.

I recommend this budget to the Dail………..