I’m on duty again.

I was sitting here minding my own business and catching up on world affairs when Herself yelled at me.

“My tits are hungry! Do something about it.“

The more astute of you will realise of course that she’s referring to her little feathered friends and not something else. There is a problem here that I have to refrain from smutty innuendos, such as commenting that my wife’s tits are flying around the garden or offering to put up a photograph as click-bait, but I shall do my best.

I went out with the last of the feed. I buy bird seed in 2.5Kg sacks and I get through a couple of these a week. As I scattered the seeds along Herself’s bedroom window-sill the Robin came to sing his thanks. He must sit there every morning waiting for me as he’s always first to start grabbing the seeds, literally as I am pouring them. Cheeky little bugger.

Once I have retreated indoors the Tits [of various models] start dive bombing the seed. They nip in, grab one seed and then bugger off into the bushes to consume their ill gotten gains. There is a constant stream of them, back and forth. The Dunnocks also crowd in usually in groups of five or six.

Next to arrive is the Collared Dove. This lad is almost as tame as the Robin and doesn’t scare easily. He usually marches up and down the sill, staring in the window and winking at us. There’s actually two of them and they frequently feed together. Not being an expert on genderising birds, I’m not sure if they are male or female but they nearly always hang around as a pair. Maybe they’re gay?

Then there are the Rooks. These fuckers hang around at the tops of the trees in the South Woods. I hear them clacking at each other as I put out the seed. They watch everything. Sooner or later they will launch their attack and anything up to ten of them will swoop down like a Russian Tank Brigade whereupon Herself will start shouting obscenities at them through the window. This usually does the trick and they fly off in a panicking cloud. I’m sure the wee lad next door is picking up an interesting vocabulary. It’s only a matter of time before the neighbours complain. Maybe I should offer Herself to Ukraine to boost their defences?

On my way back into the house I decided to remove The Ramp.

The Ramp is a large aluminium frame on adjustable legs which I plonk down outside the back door. This is then covered with a galvanised steel sheet at the same level as the floor indoors. Then there’s a portable ramp which fits at the side of the platform down to the level of the terrace. Herself can then wheel heself out the door, do a sharp right turn and shoot down the ramp to The Great Outdoors. However it hasn’t been used since Summer [which was one day a few weeks ago] and it’s noisy and Penny hates it as she slips around on it. So I decided to dismantle it again.

This means we are probably in for a heatwave shortly and I’ll have to reassemble it again.

*sigh*