…or rather a Dwarf. I have a little problem, NO not that little problem- the doctors assure me it is a temporary side effect of the medication. Infact I have of course a plethora of problems (one hopes the correct collective noun is really something like a ‘shitload’) but unless you can, say, explain to me in very simple terms the purpose and function of the present-preterite tense of Old English verbs…or you can cure, Christ like, Frau von Rochester of her ‘notions’ then I fear the collected minds of my readership (ie my mom and little Sister) will be unable to assist.

My problem is that I found, some weeks ago, a £5 bank note on the pavement (for our foreign readers that is about 2 Euros or US$’s worth). For those reading this after Brexit; the ‘£’was the British unit of currency before the Rabbit Pelt.

I was brought up to believe that an Englishman NEVER simply pockets ‘finds’, that that would be THEFT. On the few occasions I found things as a child , I walked up the hill to the Police Station and handed them in to the desk sergeant (who ,by law,sported a walrus moustache and called you ‘Sonny’) who faithfully recorded the find in the Lost Property Ledger in long hand and took down your parents details before intoning with all the majesty of the Law that, after the passing of three full waxing and wanings of the moon (I grew up in Norfolk) , the item remained unclaimed then it would become your property.

Those days have long since passed, along with Police Stations and handle bar moustaches, of course. One can no longer ‘hand in’ found items to the Police (and they get really arsey if you drop that bag of coke or those unfired 9mm cartridges you found, whilst out dogging, on their desk at the ‘Customer Service Interface’)

Therefore, when I found that fiver, childhood morality compelled me to contact the owners of the shops outside which the money had lain that evening and ask them to pass on my cellphone number to anyone who might come looking.

That was now a couple of weeks ago. No one has come forward to utter the immortal phrase ‘You are The Blocked Dwarf and I claim my £5’ (you’d have to be British to understand).

Having been raised to be a gentleman I find, despite my efforts to locate the owner, I am still in possession of someone else’s money and I am psychologically incapable of simply keeping it. The morality of my nursery dictates it be given to charity.

“So put it in the next charity collection tin and stop bothering us with your outdated, middle class , morality!” I hear you cry. But not only was I raised in Norfolk in a home full to the brim with  such archaic 50s middle class morality (I even had to write ‘Thank You’ letters after Xmas and Birthdays as a kid! And you think you had an ‘abusive childhood’?) , I am also a christian …of sorts…and Christ commands us to keep the giving of alms a secret. I take that admonishment seriously. Not even The Bestes Frau In The Entire Universe knows if or when I give alms.

I say ‘give alms’ and not ‘donate to Charity’ because the distinction is important and has been lost under the tax status and the Charities Commission. Feeding the poor little children in Africa (yeah those ones who would have been so grateful for my uneaten childhood meals), Christmas presents for the Orphans of the Parish, logs (no NOT those sorts) for the Widows..these things are ‘alms giving’. Yous will never know if I ‘helped out’ some OAP by posting tobacco through their door late at night so they wouldn’t have to eat dog food this last winter.

So I want your suggestions for a charity that I could donate the money to and the suggestion I deem most ‘worthy’ to my mind will find themselves enriched by five shiny coins of the realm.

Here the ‘rules’:

The Charity must be ‘small’ and preferably special/niche interest. Not some Cats Home with billions in Iceland. ‘One man band’ or ‘sponsored by back pocket’ are what I am looking for, think ‘The Society To Promote The Correct Use Of The Genitive Apostrophe’, It must not be something the size of Google with more money than God. It very definitely should not be any charity that chugs on day time tv or ‘protects’ children and other small animals.

It must in no way be connected with sport. None of the ‘buy every kid a football’. If today’s kids can’t get enough exercise running from the Peelers….

It must NOT be a lobby group for Public Health I’m thinking of things like cASH or Smoke Free Kids (I had to fund my own kids’ smoking habits, why should other parents’ kids smoke for free?).

It must not be an ‘Alibi for government inaction’ (Help For Heroes, Friends Of Buggerridged School etc).

Weird and whacky welcome.

Most importantly of all they must accept Paypal. Sod walking up the hill to the Bank and waiting whilst the manageress, with her handle bar moustache fills in the ledger in long hand- yes I live in Norfolk and no I don’t go to the Bank very often; How did you guess?

Suggestions below, please.