I was sitting here this morning when I realised my mobile phone needed charging.
It’s a useless yoke in that respect – the damned thing always needs charging.
It was no bother. I happened to have a connection lead where I could plug it into my laptop, to save me rooting around for the proper charger. The lead was very short but there was plenty of room on the small table for both phone and laptop.
Shortly after, I must have nudged the table or something, because there was a crash as the phone fell off the table, came to the end of the cable, unplugged itself and fell to the floor with the aforementioned crash. No big deal [as the modern yoof say]. All I had to do was pick it up and plug it back in, but a little further from the edge of the table. It has happened dozens of times before.
I peered over the side of the armchair but I couldn’t see the phone. Bugger! That meant I had to get out of my comfy chair.
I searched under said chair in case it had slid on the wood floor. Nothing. I moved a little chest of drawers in case it was under that. Nada. I got out the flashlight even though it’s full daylight. Not a sign of the damned thing.
I decided to shift the little table, the armchair and the little chest just to make sure. It had to be there somewhere, but it wasn’t. All I achieved was a pulled back muscle.
Of course the smart arses amongst you will suggest I try calling the phone from the landline. I am way ahead of you. I dialled the number. Silence. I know the mobile was switched on, and anyway if the battery had fallen out then my attempt to ring would have gone straight into the voice message thingy. Bit it didn’t. I dialled the number a couple of times. Each time there was a long silence before I would hear my own dulcet tones asking me to leave a message. So not only was my landline not making the ringing noise but my fucking mobile was mute as well.
I have removed all the furniture away from the spot. I have even taken a pain killer for my back. I have searched everywhere but there is no sign whatsoever of the phone. I though for a moment that maybe I had just imagined having a phone in the first place, but there was the wee charging wire hanging forlornly and empty out of my laptop.
I have searched everywhere within a five foot radius of Ground Zero but there is no phone. It has vanished off the face of the planet. It can’t have fallen through the floor as that is solid oak. The only reasonable and rational explanation is that there is a little black hole down there amongst the fluff, and the phone had fallen into it and is now in another dimension somewhere.
So if any of you suddenly discover a mobile phone materialising out of thin ether, could I have it back please?
It would be nice if you could charge it first as well.