To me, grooming is something you do to horses.
Or [so I am told] it's what paedophiles do to little girls to gain trust.
I was somewhat taken aback to find a complete instruction list of things men should do to themselves on a daily basis under the title of grooming. What the fuck is all this about? I had to investigate further our of sheer curiosity.
1. Treat your scalp well.
Well I don't think I treat my scalp unkindly. My scalp and I have a mutual policy of ignoring each other, though I can say that it's always on my mind?
2. Groom that beard.
What the fuck? I run a comb through it the odd time to remind it who is boss and to remove any stray food that has dried in there. But apparently I'm supposed to have a wide tooth comb, narrow tooth comb and a bristle brush? And I'm supposed to oil it? Fuck off.
3. Don't forget to manscape.
[*pause while I clean puke off my keyboard*]
Manscape? What the fuck? I'm supposed to run a lawnmower over various parts of me to remove unwanted hair? For aesthetic purposes? Why? I have hairy bits and not so hairy bits. No one has ever complained that I have too much or too little so what the fuck is this all about? In my book there is only one gender of man who shaves his body, but we won't go down that path for the sake of political correctness.
4. Don't forget to trim off nose and ear hair.
I don't have any. And if I did, it's presumably there for a reason.
5. Keep those hands clean.
Do I need instructions to tell me this? Once my hands go beyond a darker shade of grey, I wash 'em. I don't want to be picking my nose with a dirty finger, do I?
6. Don't go too long without a haircut.
Depends on what they mean by too long. Oh, hang on – every two to three weeks? What planet are these people on? A couple of times a year is fine by me. If the front gets too long I hack it back with the kitchen scissors and if the back gets too long I tie it back with a rubber band. Two to three weeks indeed!
7. Shower every day.
Bollox. That's a Mercan thing and doesn't apply here. I like to keep my natural oils. Twice a year is fine, though I may cut back on that to conserve water.
8. Learn how to wash your face.
Jayzus! Soap and fucking water. What more is there?
9. Brush your teeth and don't forget to floss.
Haven't got any.
10. Groom those feet.
Bollox. I cut my toenails occasionally just to stop them ripping holes in my socks. Anyway, they're always inside my shoes/boots/slippers, so why bother?
11. Hydrate yourself.
I hate that word. It merely means "add water" but they try and make it sound like a scientific process. Unless it means more Guinness in which case I'll go along with it.
12. Workout regularly.
Why? It's just one of these modern fads for people who think they don't get enough exercise. After a day working around the house and garden and a couple of fights with Herself, I wouldn't have the energy. Fuck off.
13. Go easy with the cologne.
I once got a present of some Old Spice. It's the only sniffy stuff I ever had, or will have. Cologne is just another word for perfume, and men wearing perfume is more than a little strange. I prefer my natural odour as nature intended. I call it "Stale Piss" [available at Boots and all good chemists for the great price of €158 a bottle].
14. Avoid unhealthy vices.
Here we go. Give up the fags. Yadda yadda yadda. FUCK OFF! And when you have fucked off, come back and fuck off yet again.
I really don't know what the world is coming to. Back when I was a yoof anyone following any of the above [let alone the whole lot] would instantly be labeled a poofter, and rightly shunned by everyone, including the women. If I turned up at the pub with my beard waxed and oiled, and smelling like a fucking brothel, I'd be turfed out on my ear and quite right too.
Next they'll be suggesting I dye my hair.
I blame all those female hormones in the drinking water.