Dear Knobs in Aviva,

I read with total disinterest that you reckon that we are not getting enough exercise.

You don’t know me, and therefore you cannot know what level of exercise is good for me, or even bad for me.

Half of Irish families spend more time in front of a screen than they do pursuing healthy activities, according to new research.

So fucking what?  As far as I am concerned, staring at a screen is a very healthy activity.  How else would I catch up with the news?  How else would I do my shopping?  How else would I view my porn photographs?  If I choose to lounge around instead of wasting my time jogging or some other godawful “exercise” then that is fine by me and is none of your fucking business.

Almost one third of families never take part in any physical activity together, while four out of five children are not meeting the daily recommended guideline of 60 minutes exercise per day.

Give me strength!  Here we go again with these fucking recommended guidelines.  They are a load of steaming shite and serve only to produce a nation of sheeple who spend their lives worrying about calories, or the number of steps they have taken or how many fucking fruit they have eaten in a day.  You even have them buying little programmes for their mobile phones that monitors the steps they take or their heart rate which is way beyond sad.

Presumably, you will reach old age one day?  I predict that you will look back on your life of self denial and recommended exercises and all that crap and will realise that you forgot to do just one thing – you forgot to live.  Where is the enjoyment in a world of calorie charts, exercise regimes and heart rate monitors?  How can you be happy when you are constantly worrying that you are overindulging, or not living your life according to some arbitrary rules laid down by “health professionals”?

Medical director of Aviva Health Dr Ian Callanan said: “This research shows that far more family time is now being spent in front of a screen to the detriment of more healthy pursuits. We hope that families are inspired by the research findings and by the families on Ireland’s Fittest Family to become more active together.”

So now you are asking us to watch some fucking “reality” programme that you are trying to promote?  Has it occurred to you that you are trying to persuade people to sit and watch a fucking screen?  You have indeed inspired me.  I have been inspired to avoid that hectoring nagging programme at any cost.

I have my own daily recommended guidelines, and I consider them considerably more realistic, and are guaranteed to give me a happy, if not longer life.  My guidelines consist of as much sugar, salt, fat and calories as I deem fit for enjoyment.  My daily recommended guideline is to smoke around ten grams of baccy a day.  My daily recommended guideline is six “units” of alcohol, be it in the form of three pints or a few glasses of whiskey.  My daily recommended guideline for exercise is to do enough to get me around, or to get jobs done.  Anything above and beyond is a waste of my fucking time.  If I fail to meet my own guidelines then I don’t give a damn.  I’ll just make up the losses on another day.

I would suggest you take a leaf out of your own book and do a hell of a lot more walking than driving, as apparently you are a fucking menace on the roads.

Wankers.