We have a washing machine.
Yes, I know it is a huge extravagance, but what the hell. I remember buying it some years ago because I was getting tired of finding tadpoles and pondweed in my pockets, and anyway it was Valentine’s Day so I bought it for Herself as a little present.
A big fucking mistake.
That machine and I haven’t seen eye to eye from the day I bought it. Herself gets a bit confused with all the options on the dial so it is usually up to me to twiddle knobs and press little buttons.
There is a large range of settings, dials and knobs on it, and frankly even I get confused sometimes. Why for example is there a “Quick Wash ” setting and a “Quick Wash ” setting when there is already another knob for setting the temperature? What setting do I use if I want a Quick Wash set at 40 degrees?
There is also no way of doing a wash without the fucking thing spinning, and when it spins it sounds like a herd of elephants on cocaine having a rave in the kitchen.
Herself has been moaning lately [nothing new there I grant, but occasionally I do listen] about the machine not washing as well as it should. She asked me to clean out the filter.
I know a little about washing machines and I know that as well as an on/off button and dials for various settings there also has to be a tray for powder and any other gunk you want to add, and also there has to be a filter.
I couldn’t find the fucking thing anywhere.
There is a loose panel at the bottom so I kicked that and it fell off. Still no sign of a filter.
I tried reading the manual. Still no sign of a filter.
In the end I resorted to the Interweb and discovered I was one of thousands looking for a filter on the Hotpoint Aquarius model. In the end I found a hint at the bottom of some obscure little forum.
Apparently the filter is inside a pipe at the back of the machine.
Yesterday I set to work. I dragged the machine out from its little cubbyhole in the kitchen. This was damned difficult is there is no wiggle room at all. It is precisely the size of the place reserved for it. And in case you don’t know, washing machines are very fucking heavy.
Having eventually managed to slide it out with a fair quantity of sweat and language even I am a bit embarrassed at, I found I had to remove the back plate. I did that and found that I was looking into a place that was something similar to the Large Hadron Collider. Fucking wires, pipes, tubes and chinks of machinery everywhere.
Now according to the thing I had found on the Interweb, the filter was supposed to be inside a pipe. There was indeed a big pipe there but it was very securely fixed to the machine with a series of unrelenting clips. I eventually managed to prise these clips open with two screwdrivers and a pair of Vice-Grips and some more blood. Not an easy job. Having done that I removed the pipe and sure enough, there was the filter.
I cleaned it out, removing wads of hairs and wool and other revolting gunk [why is stuff in a filter always dark purple?] not to mention a nice collection of small change. Then I had to reassemble everything. That turned out to be just as difficult as the disassembly, but I managed. Getting the whole yoke back into its slot in the cabinets was the hardest job of the lot, but with a fair bit more of blood, sweat and brute force I managed.
Now a filter is something that needs to be cleaned on a regular basis, so what fucking moron in Hotpoint decided to place it in the most inaccessible place possible? It would be like having the car’s petrol filler cap underneath the back seat, so you have to remove the whole seat just to fill the petrol tank. A five year old would have done a better job.
Having cleaned the filter, I’m not going to let Herself dirty it again. She can go back to doing the washing in the pond, and I will just have to put up with the tadpoles and pondweed.
And I’m never buying another Hotpoint again.