Some of you who are fortunate enough not to reside on this blighted Island may not be aware that we have a presidential election coming up.
Quite why we have a president, I’m not sure. The only time we ever see him or her is when some Bigwig comes calling or when there is a tragedy overseas and we need someone to mouth the appropriate words of sympathy. In other words, a fucking great waste of money.
There are seven candidates apparently, so I had better tell you who they are so that you too can sit riveted to the television as the results of the election are called. These are they, in alphabetical order.
Mary Davis. I haven’t a fucking clue who she is. Something to do with a charity? Never heard of her before this latest bandwaggon started rolling.
Sean Gallagher. An utter fuckwit. His only claim to fame is that he was on the panel of the Irish version of “Dragon’s Den”. He seems to think this gives him some kind of status in this country. Sadly, it probably does.
Michael D Higgins. He has been representing Galway in the Dail since God was a child. An intellectual but with a very irritating voice. He always talks as if his bollox was trapped in a vice. I don’t know the significance of the “D”. I can only suppose that his parents loved the name Michael so much that they named their sons “Michael A”, “Michael B” and so on, and that our candidate was fourth out of the traps.
Martin McGuinness. Not to be confused with the Martin McGuinness who was the leader of the IRA. The fact that they are the same bloke is apparently irrelevant. No one can understand a word he says anyway unless they are from Derry.
Gay Mitchell. The first of the Gays on the list. Comes from a dynasty of professional politicians. One assumes he is in the race because the Presidency is about the one area the Mitchells haven’t cracked yet.
David Norris. The second Gay on the list which should have a few Good Irish Catholics in a tailspin. Can be very entertaining but insists on talking about James Joyce all the time. Once started, it’s difficult to shut him up.
Dana [aka Rosemary Scallon]. Has made a career out of the fact that she once sang a song in the Eurovision Song Contest back in 1970. Is also a professional religious nutcase.
So they are the seven runners. A lovely selection you must admit.
Who will I be voting for?
Dustin the Turkey, of course.