OK, so I have a confession to make.
A couple of nights ago I was down having a pint or three and Stony bet me a few notes that I wouldn’t watch that song contest thingy. So I had to watch.
From previous disasters I have learned that it is well to be very prepared before watching that epic display of kitsch and utter bad taste, so I opened a new bottle of whiskey and stoked the pipe with my best Home Grown.
It was, as I expected an endless blur of forgettable songs. There wasn’t a single one that lit my candle and the only way I could keep track of them was by keeping an eye on Dick Puddlecote’s running commentary. Thanks Dick.
I would love to give a blow by blow account of the entire travesty, but for self preservation purposes I somewhat overdid the whiskey and the Home Grown, so last night is a bit of a hazy memory, not that I think that sobriety would have improved things, but at least I am still relatively sane today.
I vaguely remember some weird apparition cycling around the stage on a monocycle with a fucking great cone on its head, but that may just have been the Home Grown. In retrospect it must have been the Home Grown as even the Eurasian Song Contest wouldn’t sink that low.
I remember going for a dump as soon as they announced Ireland’s entry, which I thought it the time was a very fitting and appropriate gesture.
I also have hazy memories of one of the most cringe-worthy bunch of presenters, but I do distinctly remember that one of them was quite shaggable. She was blonde, I think. I also remember thinking that I wouldn’t kick the German lass out of bed for eating biscuits, but that is about as far as it goes.
By the time the voting came around I was pretty well anaesthetised so I don’t remember any of that. I had to check the papers this morning to see who had won what. So Ireland didn’t win, which is surprising as it was certainly bad enough to be up there. I’m delighted as it only would have encouraged that insufferable pair of twins. Maybe they will shut the fuck up and go back to kindergarten now and leave us alone? Unfortunately, I doubt it.
Apparently Azerbaijan won. The only things I know about that country are that it’s one of those backward countries that have mysteriously appeared from nowhere in the last few years, and that it’s not in Europe. So I don’t know what the fuck it was doing in a European thing.
Leastwise, they are stuck with the job of hosting the circus next year which should nicely bankrupt them.
Do they even have electricity in Azerbaijan?