Me: Hiya God! Happy New Year.
God: Hiya Grandad. What new year?
Me: On Earth.. 2010 and all that?
God: Listen, Sunshine. I look after millions of planets and at least one is celebrating a new year every few seconds. You don’t expect me to keep track of every single one, do you?
Me: But you are infinitely powerful?
God: There are limits to infinity, you know.
Me: I didn’t know, actually. I just wanted to ask you about this Global Warming thing we have going on back at Earth.
God: What global warming?
Me: They claim that mankind is warming the planet with all the gasses we have produced.
Me: Please don’t laugh. The sound causes earthquakes and tsunamis back home.
God: Well.. You have to laugh, don’t you? As if you lot could influence something as big as a planet! Only I can do that.
God: That little fucker? What does he know?
Me: He claims he is your ambassador, and that he has a direct line to you.
God: How many times do I have to tell you? He is the head of a religion which has nothing whatsoever to do with me or any faith. He’s only in it for the power. I sent Gabriel down there the other day to jump him and make him pregnant. He’ll have one hell of a job explaining that one away!
Me: True. Incidentally, our new blasphemy laws came into effect this morning. You must be pleased about that?
Me: No one can insult you any more.
God: If I were worried about such piffling things as insults, I would have wiped out the Universe ages ago. I get it all the time. Do your lot think I’m that insecure?
Me: Well, I’ll probably be sued for repeating this little chat?
God: Don’t worry about it. If you’re short of cash, put a few grand on Rampling Rover in the 3.15. He’s going to win at 100:1.
Me: Great! Thanks. What racecourse?
God: The Oval, on planet Hyasssaddf.