When I left college back in ‘67, I wrote at random to six companies looking for a job.

One replied immediately, and I started working there the following Monday.

The week after, I got the sack, but in the meantime another of the six had offered me a job so I walked straight into that.

I was with that company for two years and thoroughly enjoyed it.  However, I had applied for yet another job which I took.

I stuck with my third company for nearly 30 years, but all good things must come to an end, and in 2001, I “took the Package”.

This is where things got very fucking complicated.  You see, the Package meant that I was still paid a salary by the company, even though I no longer worked for them,  But seeing as I get a salary, then technically I do still work for them, even though I am now contractually forbidden from doing any actual work.  They are literally paying me a salary to stay away from the place.  That’s fine by me as I was kind of pissed off with them anyway.

So there I was – sitting on my hole at home, receiving a salary and with nothing to do.

So I started my own business.

The situation now, was that I was technically employed by my old company, but was running my own business as well.

In the course of my business, I landed a contract with yet another company, and for reasons best known to themselves, I had to register there as an employee, even though I only worked for them for a few months a year.  This meant that I now had three employers – my original crowd who were paying me not to work; my new employer who only wanted me for a few months a year and my own business which filled in the gaps.

That was the year my accountant had a nervous breakdown trying to do my tax returns.

I have quit all that now, and have shut down my own business.  I now have only one employer, who is still happily paying me not to work.

So I am now, for the first time in my life unencumbered with work.  My days are my own.  I can do what I like.

Next year, I retire officially.

Presumably, as I then go onto a pension, the clause that stated that I can’t work for them is no longer in force, and they will probably insist that I go back and earn all the money they have paid me since 2001.

The problem in the meantime is what I put down as my occupation.

I’m not retired, as that doesn’t happen until next year.

I’m not working as it is contractually forbidden.

They don’t have a box on the forms that suggests “employed not to work”.

Life is so fucking confusing at times.