Public announcement from WANK
As you know, I have been an admirer of ASH for some time now.
I have always admired their devil may care attitude to science and the philosophy of not letting the facts stand in the way of a good story. This is the way research should be done. Who cares if the facts are distorted so long as it looks good. If you can throw in a few irrelevant but snazzy sounding credentials, then so much the better.
My one criticism of ASH though is that they confine themselves to smoking. Why? There are far worse killers out there.
To this end I am founding a new organisation – Warnings About Natural Killers.
We in WANK have already done some extensive research and have come up with some startling results.
In conjunction with Cornell University, we have analysed the water that you drink every day.
Do you know that you are killing yourself with this stuff?
Forty fucking carcenogens? Fucking radioactive materials? Do you realise you are in imminent danger of being a nuclear explosion?
Let’s have a look at some of these vile chemicals which you are taking into your unwitting body, and will cause you to die of a virulent cancer immediately:
acrylamide
adipate
alachlor
atrazine
benzene
benzo(a)pyrene (PAH)
carbon tetrachloride
chlordane
di(2-ethylhexyl)adipate
dibromochloropropane (DBCP)
1,2-dichloroethane
1,1-dichloroethylene
dichloromethane
1,2-dichloropropane
dioxin (2,3,7,8-TCDD)
di(2-ethylhexyl)phthalate (PAE)
epichlorohydrin
ethylene dibromide (EDB)
heptachlor
heptachlor epoxide
hexachlorobenzene
lindane
pentachlorophenol (PCP)
polychlorinated biphenyls (PCBs)
simazine
styrene
tetrachloroethylene
total trihalomethanes (TTHMs: bromodichloromethane, bromoform, chlorodibromomethane, chloroform)
toxaphene
1,1,2-trichloroethane
trichloroethylene (TCE)
vinyl chloride
arsenic
asbestos
beryllium
cadmium
chromium
lead
nickel
Radium 226, 228
Radon
On behalf of all you poor innocent sods who are drinking this lethal cocktail, we are campaigning to have all water banned from the workplace, home and every other fucking place.
Under no circumstances should you have any contact whatsoever with water. If you see some, please stay at least one hundred feet away from it and warn everyone else to do the same. Warn the authorities so that they can collect it in lead lined containers and ship it to safety.
We urge everyone, for the sake of their health to take up smoking cigarettes.
At least they only contain microscopic traces of eight carcenogens.
Johnny drinks a glass of water
Let’s not forget the homeopathic water memory business! On that basis the water is ‘virtually’ contaminated by every person it has passed though, including their diseases!
Thrifty – I was just thinking about exactly that the other day. Then I got very angry and had to stop thinking about it because I couldn’t believe I was letting a pseudoscience like homeopathy annoy me.
Homeopathy is I reckon the most pointless and stupid fad to hit these shores in a long time. It’s amazing how gullible some people are.
Thrifty – Holy God! Don’t even start down that route – every molecule you drink is fondly remembering the inside of someone else’s bladder?
Fish shit in it
Put alcohol in your water, that’ll kill off all those nasties. Cheers.
Neighbour – That’s the least of your problems!
BigYin – According to studies by Dr Fritz Liebermann [CERN, Heavy water, light water and all that shit, 2008], alcohol can in fact accelerate the productions of neutrons, thereby making water even more unstable. You have been warned.
We drink in it we bathe in it and yet its so bad for us. Passs myy cigars. And later I’ll be bathing in motor oil.
Welcome Kevin. As yet, WANK have done no studies into the harmful effects of motor oil. I would suggest you abstain from bathing in anything until our report is out. The report is expected in late 2012.
They could remove the impurities in the water by passing it through a Silk Cut Filter. As every smoker knows the only thing that gets through one of them is a splitting headache.
So we should all just drink poitín as its distilled 🙂
.-= Séamus´s last brainfart .. Inside the Greenhouse =-.
Bender’s BB – That’s true, but why waste a cigarette? Why not just smoke the damned thing and forget the water. Much safer and much better for your health.
Seamus – Very true. You would want to make sure though that to prevent contamination, that the poitín has been distilled in something non-metallic. Or non-plastic.
GD you should be a writer for the right wing wackos over here. You have managed to divert the subject of tobacco, that which kills,to the evils of drinking water. That which sustains life. Brilliant !
By the way, I wonder how many kitchen drawers have electronic cigs in them by now that will never see the light of day again.
TT – I am a mercenary of the cyberwaves. If the whackos want me to write for ’em…… !
Did they finally ban the e-cig there?
No. It’s just when they came out and everyone was getting them I had a feeling that once the novelty wore off they would all before very long end up unused in the kitchen drawers. This seems to be happening. Smokers who spent all that nmoney on them have reverted to cigs etc.
I’ve always wanted to try dying of thirst and now I’ll have the chance thanks to you. Have a gallon on me then and I’ll see you in Valhalla or wherever we go when we croak.
.-= Kirk M´s last brainfart .. Nine Nine Nine =-.