You are cordially invited to a party
I like a good joke as well as the next man. [I’m not sure who the next man is, but we seem to be very alike?]
When someone takes the piss out of me, I can laugh.
When someone rapes me though, my sense of humour tends to wane, just a tad.
When I am mugged, I find my sense of humour wearing just a little bit thin.
When someone tries to kill me, I confess my sense of humour has a strange tendency to vanish out the window, and I have even been known to get a little annoyed at that point.
My sense of humour has been put to the test.
All this year, this government can’t decide whether to rape me, bugger me or just mug me.
Being the indecisive cretins that they are, they ended up raping, buggering and mugging me all at the same time.
Now they are trying to kill me with their fucking pig flu.
Oh all right, I know technically the government didn’t start the pig flu thing, but they have caused every other fucking misery, so I might as well blame them for that.
Seeing as there is something like a 30% chance I am going to get that damned bug, I might as well enjoy myself while I can.
I am going to have a party, and everyone is invited. The main sport at the party will be Whack the Cretin. Incidentally, the squeamish had better not come, as I have a feeling there will be a lot of screaming, blood and gore.
When you come, please bring a bottle and your Cretin Of Choice.
Seeing as I am holding the party, I’m going to bring three. Heh!
Bertie Ahern, Mary Harney and that little bollix Gary Lineker.
Any other suggestions?
Ryan Tubridy and Gerry Ryan
Robert – Great choice. We can hold a competiton to see who screams the loudest [or lasts the longest?]
I can’t decide between Dick Roche and Pat Kenny
Could I possibly bring my own cretin along from my town in the States? We need to be well rid of him. He’s a lawyer who specialises in getting criminals who should be hanged in public off on technicalities. He also specialises in running for State representative and losing. His name is Duncan Kilmartin rather than something like Joe Padooka so he should fit right in with the rest of your local cretins.
Ah Grandad only 3? And what did our Leicester lad Lineker do to you?
Hiya Neighbour! Sorry about all those tin cans that somehow ended up on your lawn last week, but you know how it is when your bin is full? By way of apology, please bring both, though I bags first go at Kenny.
Kirk M – It’s a free world. Bring whoever you like, provided you realise you won’t be brining them home again.
Kate – I’m not greedy. As for lineker? That little bollix keeps cropping up everywhere – fucking sports programmes, quiz shows, panel shows and those awful unfunny crisp ads. I’ll never eat another crisp again, especially that brand.
Where and when ?
Grandad – Wasn’t actually planning too.
Great idea, Grandad. But since this country of ours is full of cretins, you want to host your party at a venue large enough to accommodate them all.
Well, not all, of course, because there is no venue in Ireland of that large size. But you might need at least some place like Croke Park, where enough of them gather often anyway. And perhaps you might also need to put up some large video screens outside, for all those who won’t fit in.
Since you have already Bertie Ahern and Mary Harney, I like to bring Brian Cowen, Mary Coughlan (the Tanaiste, not the singer) and Jackie Healy-Rae along.
And with regards to ‘swine flu’: Now you know why Mary Harney has the widely used nickname ‘Miss Piggy’.
TT –
Venue: Wicklow, in the sunny pissing wet South East ot Ireland.
Time: Any time and all the time for the next six weeks.
Emerald – Howya Stranger!! Is Wicklow not big enough? Should I include Wexford/Carlow/Waterford/Kilkenny??
P.S. Please include Mary Coughlan the singer as well. She always sounds so miserable.
G
I’m alright, more or less. Sneezed twice today, but I don’t think it’s ‘swine flu’. I usually try to stay well clear of pigs…
Not sure how large Wicklow is exactly. But I think Leinster in its entirety might do it… 🙂
And I will oblige to bring both Mary Coughlans. After all, I live in a four-seater constituency.
I’ll only go if Mary gets her knickers off during a spot of karaoke.
Jeeeeeeezus,Gamma!!!! That is fucking disgusting. Unless you mean a different Mary in which case it will more than likely happen. It usually does.
A fiver says the skid marks look like Jesus.
Gamma – No bets. Everything looks like Jesus these days.
Can I give Ahern a whack in the goolies? That stuttering little freak has the dubious honour of being the only person I actually actively hate and despise.