Ferrero Rocher, Mr Ambassador?
A couple of days ago I received a comment from Jedrzej [who I am delighted to see has been nominated for Best Photography in the IBA] under one of my scribbles.
A little off topic, if I may.
Grandad, in case you haven’t seen it yourself, I would like to bring to your attention a good-bye letter written by the US ambassador for Ireland (just leaving):
http://www.irishtimes.com/newspaper/opinion/2009/0119/1232059658577.html
It was off topic, and normally I leave the comment there.
In this case, I removed it as I thought it warranted a closer look.
The article, in case you haven’t bothered to read it, is a farewell from the American Ambassador who has left after two years, giving his opinions on this country.
At first I thought it was a joke, but the Irish Times doesn’t usually go in for that kind of thing. Then I realised he was serious.
He starts off by stating his goal, on appointment to the job.
The goal was under no circumstances to allow war to break out between Ireland and the United States on my watch. With only one day to go, it looks as if I will succeed, surprising most of my best friends at home.
What fucking planet is this bloke from? I suppose he is right to be scared though. We would annihilate them.
He then goes on to admire our magnificent service.
Being United States ambassador here has been a great privilege and a wonderful, fulfilling personal experience. The job comes with a magnificent house, superb staff and all you can eat.
People return your phone calls quickly, you never have to worry about parking, and restaurants will find a table for you even when they tell others they are full.
So you never have to worry about parking huh? Of course you don’t, with your fucking CD plates on your car. You can flaunt the law and make life a misery for the rest of us. Ya bollix.
And you are the fucker who grabbed that last table I had booked in that restaurant? Well, fuck you. I hope the food chocked you.
He then comes up with one of the strangest one yet.
I notice a much higher level of cynicism here toward your most important institutions and leaders than I am used to in the US. Gratuitous criticism is accepted as good sport in Ireland. The media are some of the most enthusiastic participants.
A little scepticism is undoubtedly a good thing, but institutions and leaders perform better and can deliver more when they are believed in and held in high esteem.
He has to be joking? Is he really serious? He has been here for over two years so he should be familiar with Bertie and Biffo? He must know that we have amongst the most corrupt incompetent shower of fuckers who, along with their builder pals have shafted this country almost to bankruptcy? Is he seriously suggesting that if we spoke nicely about Biffo that he would then start making decisions that actually make sense? If we stopped calling Harney an incompetent obese slug, that the health service would start saving lives instead of killing people?
Of course he does come from the Land of the Free, where they have complete freedom of speech and expression [and you can be sent to a concentration camp for having a beard] so he presumably knows what he is bullshitting about.
We get another little insight into his flawless logic with
Many in Ireland seem impulsively to side with underdogs, presumably a product of a strong sympathetic response and Ireland’s historical experience. But underdogs aren’t always right and have no inherent claim to high moral ground.
This is very interesting. Because of our history, we have been under the misconception that the minority have rights? This is good news though. I now have total freedom to annihilate any ethnic minority I find.
But then we come to the really serious stuff. We now know what has been going on in that house in the Park and in the embassy. We have been under scrutiny and we have been found wanting.
The pepper in Ireland doesn’t smell right and someone really should do something about it.
Oh! My! God!
How have we survived this long?
How can we hold our heads up amongst the civilised nations?
Is this the real reason behind the demise of the Celtic Tiger? We are using the wrong pepper?
I am cheered to read that he will be back as a visitor.
I will cheerfully welcome him with open arms.
Well, actually they won’t be open.
But they will be loaded.
I knew it!
We blew it with the cruet!
He seems like a very nice man whom Dubya wanted out of the way, so he sent him here where any embarrassing faux pas/Declarations of war/congenital stupidity can be contained and dealt with without the world’s press copping on.
So goodbye Mr. Ambassador. Dont forget your drool cup and rubber pants. I’m keeping the Ferrero Rocher!
For his next assignment I hope they send him to some war torn African country. Maybe Somalia or The Sudan. see if he can get good pepper there..
If there were ten c***s in the room, he’d be the ten of them. Patronising fucker.
What does he mean, “There was no historical or cultural precedent for Ireland’s neutrality?”
As an Englishman whose family served in the British forces and who wears his poppy with pride every November, even I can see that a rather long list of historical and cultural factors that might have affected people’s thinking.
Hoor – He sounds like the kind of bloke that Dubya would get on very well with? Especially as the first thing he mentions is war….
Robert – I would suggest North Korea or Ascension Island?
Radge – I take it you’ll be turning out to welcome him back? [I have a spare rifle if you need one?]
Ian – Here is a man who has lived in splendid isolation in diplomatic circles and who hasn’t a clue what the real world is like. His knowledge of Ireland is doubtless gleaned from dinner parties.
Ambassador Thomas C. Foley became United States Ambassador to Ireland on October 18, 2006. Before entering government service, Mr. Foley was in business having worked in New York at McKinsey & Company and then Citicorp Venture Capital before founding NTC Group, a private equity investing business, in 1985. He has over twenty-five years of senior management and private equity investing experience.
From August, 2003 through March, 2004, Mr. Foley served in Iraq as the Director of Private Sector Development for the Coalition Provisional Authority. Mr. Foley’s responsibilities included overseeing most of Iraq’s 192 state-owned enterprises, stimulating private sector growth, developing foreign trade and investment, and overseeing three state Ministries. Mr. Foley received the Department of Defense Distinguished Public Service Award in June, 2004 for his service in Iraq.
Mr. Foley is involved in numerous charitable activities focusing on the arts and educational opportunities for children. Mr. Foley recently served as a Trustee of The Kennedy Center for the Performing Arts in Washington and two Connecticut State Commissions involving education and children’s rights. Mr. Foley holds a B.A. in Economics from Harvard and an M.B.A. from Harvard Business School. He has a 17-year-old son.
Now how much you wanna’ bet he’ll be back? Maybe not in Ireland but somewhere in the Obama regime.
The guy is a fuckin’ demoncrat of the first order!
This is true Grandad, but there is a policy in Washington of not gathering too many ‘bushalikes’ in one spot as it lowers the Mensa IQ rating for the whole District of Columbia by ninety points.
I’m speechless. I wish this dolt was also. But did ya hear? The Fresh President has some Irish blood!
He’s not as mixed as the cannibalasian Tiger Woods, but if they keep researching, he may be.
What Sixty said about speechless…me too.
God, how mortifying for the human race that such people are put into public office. Or was he just trying to make George “nukyular” Bush look good, as a retirement present?
Or perhaps (somehow I’m hoping this is true) his personal secretary hated him and when he gave her his *real* farewell letter to type and release, she sent out this one of her own making instead, for revenge. Yes, I think I’ll go with that story.
Love your new blog Grandad! I’m not sure that this was supposed to be funny this morning (your post I mean), but I laughed hard at some of the things you said. (And I really needed a laugh as our house is going on the market and I haven’t had a good laugh in a while…! 🙂 Thanks!
PS : Can I get that ambassador job? I could do with being first in line at restaurants! 🙂
Lighten up guys. It was clearly tongue in cheek.
Strange. I took that speech as a clumsy attempt at being jokey. How wrong I was.
Brianf – He’s American, so I’ll allow him some leeway. We all have to make allowances for Merkans. [It dosen’t say much for Harvard though?]
Hoor – Is there any truth in the rumour that the average IQ in the White House has jumped by over 4,000% in the last couple of days?
Sixty – Did I hear he had Irish blood? I wish they would fucking shut up about it. There are four villages here fighting over the ‘honour’. One has even produced a ‘song’ which is about 10 on the Cringe Richter Scale. I throw up every time I hear it.
Susan – Your theory hadn’t occurred to me and it’s a beauty. I would love to believe it, so I think I will. Hats off to the secretary. 🙂
Tricia – I’m never sure whether I’m supposed to be funny either. I suppose if you see something like Head Rambles or kids throwing rocks at a bishop and you get a laugh out of it, then that’s great. And of course you can have the job. As long as I can have your spare CD plate?
TT & Bock – Jayzus! I hope for the sake of diplomatic relations, you’re right. Was he joking? Was it yet another example of American humour [i.e. not funny]? Will we ever know? Will we ever care?
Like most political positions, including a couple of Senate seats, Ambassadorships are for sale. Simply donate enough money to winning party and your in. The more you donate the better the post. I’m not sure if getting Ireland meant he donated a lot, or a little.
The post is entirely ceremonial. All real work is done by a staff of career civil servants, or at least it would be if they actually did any work. Unfortunately with the coronation of Obama going on the civil servants were distracted and some one let him talk to the press without a script to read from.
As for an out break of war with Ireland forget it!!! You got into your own economic mess and we have problems of our own. You will not trick us into going to war just so we will pay billions to rebuild your country.
Can you bring back the mushroom cloud? It makes me nostalgic for the old day in SAC.
Thanks Grandad.
I feel a bit better now, as I don’t have to cope with the anger alone anymore. Still, what a first-class fucker!
Some facts:
” Mr. Foley served in Iraq as the Director of Private-Sector Development for the Coalition Provisional Authority. Foley is a Greenwich, Connecticut, multimillionaire, a longtime friend of the Bush family and a Bush-Cheney campaign “pioneer” who has described Iraq as a modern California “gold rush.” (…) Neither man had any high-level diplomatic experience and both use the term corporate “turnaround” specialist to describe what they do. According to Foley, this uniquely qualified them to manage Iraq’s economy because it was “the mother of all turnarounds.”
This man just has no choice but to be arrogant.
By the way, who chooses the blogs for Irish Blog Awards? I was completely unaware of being nominated. It’s really nice, though.
This bloke is definitely off his rocker! War with Ireland? He’s a nutter, alright! I certainly hope he is joking.
Why did he wait until now to say something? He’s a namby-pamby.
I get sick and tired of apologising for these feckers that come over and act like snooty eejits! Don’t paint us all with the same brush! 🙂
P.S.: Let me be the ‘merkan ambassador to Ireland. You’d see a difference, yeah? Oh wait, I don’t have a degree in bunkum. 🙂
‘Ambassadorships are for sale. Simply donate enough money to winning party and your in.’
I just uncovered the size of some of the donations which are required by the US Government in order to qualify for an ambassadorship:
UK – $49,000 (minimum)
France – $58,000 (minimum)
Germany – $40,000 (minimum)
Iraq – 47 cents (any advance considered)
Ireland – 20 Carroll’s Blue and a box of Tayto (Sam Spudz accepted if Tayto unavailable)
What a ponce. Is he gone now? Who fills his slippers?
Actually the “ministry for change” has added a new requirement. They must play basketball. Cheating on your taxes is optional.
Grandad
I’ve only recently read some of your books and I’ve now discovered your website. already I’m sick of your trendy right-on anti-americanism. Mr. Foley was having a joke – an intelligent one – that went above most Paddies’ heads. Enough of the not so funny sarcasm and get on with what you do best, whatever that is.
Welcome James! Thank you for you input and for reading some of my books [I am currently in the process of writing my second book. Could you let me know how it ends, and what the others are about?].
Maybe Mr Foley was having a joke, but if so it was a) not very well done and b) not very funny. If anything it would illustrate the vast gulf between Irish and American humour.
I would suggest we go our ways.
You go back to America.
I’ll get on with what I do best, whatever that is.
I dunno. I think it’s a clever, well-written, thoughtful and insightful piece. I think you are all a tad too defensive and keen to criticise (ironically proving the Ambassador’s point). I’m all for a bit of constructive criticism and don’t think it should be readily dismissed because of the Ambassador’s association with Dubya or his administration. I particularly agree with his comment about the Irsh lack or respect for large Institutions. Funnily enough, having been an emmigrant in both the US and UK (and a few other countries) over the years, I don’t find we (the Irish) are like that when overseas. Back home however, we seem to feel it’s a constitutional right. I agree that this negative approach does not augur well.
If anyone is still reading the comments to this blog I guess I’ll be roundly reviled for my views but it is what I think.
Sean – I had forgotten all about this post! It was more a case of the Ambassador and myself trying to outdo each other. And don’t worry – no one reads this blog!