The Irish Times can be fatal
Guinea pigs are strange animals.
They have this inscrutable expression all the time, like Japanese, so you never know whether they are happy or not.
I have learned quite a bit about them since MinniePig came into our lives.
For a start, our Minnie’s favourite items are Romaine lettuce and the Irish Times. She is very fussy about her reading matter and it’s a race to get the Irish Times read before she has eaten it.
Having devoured Roisín Ingle, she will happily sit there producing loads of poo.
Guinea pig poo is strange stuff. It always seems to be fairly dry and hard, and it is always exactly the same size. The size looked vaguely familiar, so I measured it.
I was right.
Minnie produces .177 calibre shit every time.
I have an old air rifle that I am very fond of. It was my first gun, and I got it for my fifth birthday. I still remember the joy of my first kill.
I haven’t used the rifle much lately, but I dug it out of the attic and tried out Minnie’s poo for size. It was perfect.
Last week, I brought it out to do some hunting. I had forgotten how good an air rifle can be as there is no sound to scare any other tourists in the area. I racked up a good score.
I would be very interested to see the pathologists report.
“Cause of death unknown, but guinea pig excrement was found in the heart”
I think Minnie and I have a long and fruitful symbiotic career ahead of us.
Grandad,
Great idea, no rifle markings, not traceable and finally a good use for the “Irish Times”
brilliant!!!!
John O – Maybe I should write to The Times about it? They can write a new slogan – “The paper that packs a punch”?
You know that wild cavies are a uniform shade of brown.
“The paper that packs a punch”, “but doesn’t come out smelling like a rose”
TT – Maybe mine is a new strain? Its mammy may have been overfamiliar with a badger?
John O – “The news that’s easy to digest”?
That’s nothing I have a rabbit that can complete the crossword.
Maxi – Any twat can complete the crossword [or the Sudoku] but can your rabbit convert it into something really useful?
Does the fact that I seem incapable of completing a crossword mean I am not a twat? Also, fuck suduko.
They taste good too, On the Inca trail we ate them ….. mmmmmmm
TT – You’re no twat. I like Soduko – it always sends me to sleep.
Moon – What did you eat? The Irish Times? Crosswords? Sudoku? Guinea pigs?
Moon: please tell me it wasn’t the “pellets”?
Grandad, no news is good news and in this case it ends up where it belongs, out the butt and in the barrel!
Well done Minnie!
You could market that Grandad as the Greenest, Organic, Recycled ammo available … it even fertilises the ground when you miss, it’s brilliant. I see a whole new career for you, now that the book’s finished.
John O – It just proves the caliber of the paper.
Susan – I do my best for the environment. Just think of the good work I do using dog shit to practice my golf?
Aha – at last a way of recycling the stuff – I will be sending Hendrix droppings to you on a regular basis from now on!!!
I hope that rifle’s legal…
* gets out G3 Airsoft rifle tricked out with huge-cap mag, ACOG scope, silencer, and fancy stock – filled to the brim with 0.25g BBs *
Very interesting entry, Grandad. But the Irish Times can be dangerous and fatal enough even before going through a guinea pig… 🙂