Keeping off the heroin using a paper shredder
A while ago, I was talking to a friend of mine.
He happens to know a bit about accountancy and tax and all that crap, so I showed him some papers I had been keeping.
“How much do you reckon they’re worth?” I asked him.
“About five years, with remission,” he replied.
This worried me a little. I don’t want to go to prison, because I don’t want to become a heroin addict, and I believe that is mandatory these days.
I bought a paper shredder, that is guaranteed to make any sheet of paper illegible.
It’s a nice looking toy. It’s all black and brushed aluminium. I couldn’t wait to try it.
I shredded up some stuff that was lying around, and it worked very well.
Then it jammed.
I rang the shop.
I got talking to a very nice woman who was very helpful, but she wasn’t too familiar with that particular machine.
“Have you tried reading the manual?” she asked.
“Ah!” I said.
“What?” she asked.
“I think the manual is what may have jammed it,” I replied.
“How come you shredded it?”
“I wanted to test the machine, and it was lying there, so I shredded it.”
“That’s fair enough,” she replied. “Try sticking something stiff into the slot to unjam it.”
I refrained from making a joke about bishops and actresses, and thanked her.
I found a credit card that Herself had carelessly left on the table, and that did the trick. She spent too much anyway.
I spent the afternoon yesterday happily shredding stuff. I then burned the strips and dumped the ashes in the heart of the compost heap.
Now I can’t find my car insurance certificate.
But that’s a small price to pay for staying off the heroin.
Lo, she is a terrible Goddess bought one of those. I don’t like the way she rushes to collect the post every day and then I hear a whirring from her office.
Still, we haven’t had a Visa bill for months………
……… is there such a thing as a blog shredder available BTW? Could be handy.
They are great yokes all right. If it isn’t a cheque – shred it.
I like the idea of a blog shredder. I can think of a couple of blogs I’d put through it [apart from mine].
Don’t put the lotto ticket through it!
I would like to hear you go off on one about this http://www.lesliegilmour.com/index/2008/05/13/aer-lingus-rip-off/ Aer Lingus at the rip off stuff again.
Thanks
I’m glad you won’t be going to prison now Grandad! We’d miss you!
Although, your love life might have improved, so can’t be all bad.
I suppose that the official version of events now is that you kept all of your money in a safe, rented houses that you then bought, carried out multiple unexplainable forex transactions, and have people who insist on whip-arounds on your behalf every time that you go out for dinner.
Not that there’s a shred of evidence, of course, to back this up! Still there is a smack of truth about it!
Prisoner 15812, do you take brown sugar with your tea?
Grannymar – I have more sense than to do the lottery!
Hiya Leslie. Pimping your posts? 😉 I’ll write about Aer Lingus if you sponsor my research. It’s about fifteen years since I flew.
Darren – They’ll have to get up very early to catch me. The blog is safe [for the moment].
Longman – Quite frankly I don’t remember any of that. I was going through a very difficult time in my life [*sob*] with the divorce and all.
yeah I am pimping this one – for the first time ever – they just drive me bloody mad…
too easy driven mad some may say.
Leslie – I got the impression from your post that you were a little bit irked, all right. The trouble is that there are too many things driving me mad too.
Grandad,
I met with an accountant bloke this morning on the basis that my taxes last year were more than I earned. Anyway, he says that the Government have a machine that reads the tax returns and assesses what you pay and sends you snotty letters (if the HSE had one of these we might be better off!). I bet they have a machine that has all your details and could tell Granny, the Revenue, An Garda Siochana, and anyone else interested where your money is.
Do be careful with your tie when using the shredder.
Ian – I hacked into that machine ages ago. I’m safe [and so are you – your little secret is safe with me].
As for wearing a tie. What’s that?
*sheesh*
And now you know why I banished my hubby to Med School on some small island in the middle of no where.
You’re not an engineer by some chance ??
*heheheehehheheh* *big smile* 😀