A slice of the dog
It was a lovely day yesterday, so I decided to cut the grass.
We gave a lot of grass here, and we also have a lot of lawn-grass. There is the front lawn, the main lawn and the orchard. I don’t bother mowing the woodland or the pond.
It is a good many months since I cut it, so it was full of twigs and branches from the trees, rocks and stones from that fecker Woodya, and of course, a whole lot of dog shit. Or even a hole lot of dog shit.
I picked up the twigs and the branches and the rocks, but I was damned if I was going to pick up the dog shit.
Out with the golf clubs.
I had a fine time. Most of it was Wouldyapoo, because Sandy is discreet and only craps next door, and Wouldyapoo is large and weighty.
The Next Door Neighbour doesn’t know yet about his housewarming party tomorrow night.
He was in his back garden yesterday with a couple of young women. I don’t know if they were friends, or whether he hopes to sell or let the house. I didn’t ask. Frankly I didn’t know they were there until the first scream.
Apparently one of the young women was just about to go in the back door, when a rather large turd splashed across the door in front of her nose. It was unfortunate timing.
Even more unfortunate was when later the other young woman stuck her head out a window, and I got a bulls-eye. Or should I say a girls-eye? Leastwise, she suddenly developed a tan she hadn’t planned on.
They left in a hurry.
I seem to have developed a rather nasty slice.
Does anyone know anything about golf?
How do I cure it?
Good job you scared off the young women. They might have bought the house and decided to knock down the extension and build a bigger one.
Nick – It couldn’t be much bigger. But it’s soon going to be much smaller 😉
Spring has sprung,
the poop is flyin’
K8’s Wouldye,
is Grandad’s scion!
No?
Spring has sprung,
the poop is blasted,
still would be frozen,
as long as winter lasted.
or haiku?
Do DooDoo Haiku
to celebrate Wouldye’s Poo
Did you whiff it first?
It’s just so great to have spring back and stories of dog shit! I am simply overjoyed.
I’m no expert on the game of golf Grandad, but something tells me your swing really stinks!….oh, and please remember to wash your clubs before putting them back in the bag! 😉
Grandad
I know nothing about golf…
But I do know that when you’re ‘on form’,
you have this uncanny ability
(even when I’ve got a lousy headache)
to make me roar with laughter.
Thanks! 😀
Sixty – Underneath that crusty exterior, you have quite a poetic heart. [A bit like an M&M?]
Olga – I’m very tidy with my clubs. They get the full treatment.
Steph – I wish I was in form. And so does my neighbour….
Hmmmm…I’d say it was something to do with your grip. That, and the fact that you’re using the wrong type of poo.
EMum – Bertie drops torpedoes, doesn’t he? I’m afraid they’re no good. Not aerodynamic enough. Under really bad circumstances they act like boomerangs and I get a facefull.
Don’t worry about the slice unless, of course, the blob of poo happens to be spherical in shape, approximately 1.62 inches in diameter (British) and no more than 1.620 ounces in weight with lots of little dimples spotting the surface, then you may have a problem. Most likely a bad back most times.
Golf story.
I once killed a squirrel on the 13th. No rain for weeks, burnt grass and fairways hard as a rock. My bad back went into neutral half way though the follow-through resulting in the hardest “worm burner” I had ever had the displeasure of miss-driving. Half way down the fairway a gray squirrel decided to head across the fairway to the treeline on the other side about the same time my ball was tearing across said rock hard surface. The ball caught a bounce, the squirrel’s head came up and “crack”. One dead squirrel.
I felt awful.
Of course I had to save the day by pulling out my wedge and lopping the now deceased squirrel over the treeline onto the 12th green just as this lawyer’s wife was putting out. No quite a “squirrel in one” but within 2 feet of the hole and within a foot of her golfing shoes.
A fine day all around.
I use a ride on mower …… it sucks all the dog sheeeeeeeeeeite up!
Not a great addition to the compost bin … but hey it disappears …. eventually!
Kirk M – You bastard! How could you kill a squirrel? Unless it was a Grey, in which case, good riddance. At least you disposed of it properly.
We must have a game sometime.
Paddy – So do I. But the chute gets clogged the odd time, and it’s not nice plunging your arm in and coming out with a fist full of grass and minced dog crap.
Grandad,
The squirrel was indeed grey but I spelled it gray in my comment due to the simple fact that my spell checker is based on an American (bastardized) English dictionary and not a British one. So it was a good deal all around.
I’d love a game. Next time I’m in Ireland I’ll look you up.
Grandad: Depends how far you’ve walked. It’s something about a greyhound’s constitution that means the further he’s walked, the looser the consistency. Hence, when you’ve been right down the boat road and back up again, he deposits what the children describe as ‘Mr Whippy poo’. Not good for golf I wouldn’t think.
@Grandad: thanks.
Can there be anything more inspiring than Dog Shit?
*giggles at Sixty’s poetry*
Kirk M – Sorry… I wasn’t trying to criticise your spelling. I missed your mention of grey/gray. Now my spellchecker is trying to make me type ‘criticize’, but I’m damned if I’m going to.
E Mum – Mr Whippys are no good. It takes too long for them to bake, and I usually end up having to put them in the microwave.
Sixty – Very little.
I know very little about golf, which is unfortunate now that I live in Palm Springs.. I used to play Microsoft Golf though, and can give you some pointers there, like how to hold the mouse correctly and the duration of clicks one must employ for greatest effect.
….from the pic you posted your problem is obvious:
though your follow-through is perfect [stomach pointed toward the ‘flag’, wrists turned over, eye on the ‘ball’], it is perfectly obvious you used a long-iron for that stroke.
now, i’m not normally one for the new hybrids – one can either play the game or not- but as you’re my adopted son and -excuse me here- getting on in age, i would advise that from now on every time you rid Ireland of an American tourist, you check to see if they have their sticks in the boot. If so, look for either a 9-wood or a Rescue Utility club.
With either of these you will be able to slow down your swing (which i suspect is far to quick any way) and hit the ‘ball’ straighter.
give it a try – there’s a money back guarantee!
Doc/Dad – I’m not really one for hybrids. I’m a purist at heart [pure dog shit is the best]. A 9-wood? Sounds strange? I’ll try swinging a bit slower, and I’ll also look out for your suggestion of tourist clubs. I’ll try anything once.