Is Grandad a mass murderer?
I’m back.
My sincere apologies for my absence.
Due to circumstances beyond my control, I had to leave the country. It was all basically a mistake, involving the CIA, MI5, MI6, The ICA and the GAA.
Someone spread a rumour that I was Osama bin Laden. I don’t know where they got that idea from. I told them that I couldn’t be, because I wasn’t a Muslim [AllÄ?hu Akbar]. They accepted that quite happily, but then decided I was Harold Shipman. It was around that time that I had to go on the run.
Do I look like this?
It took a team of barristers and a chimpanzee to convince them that I couldn’t be Harold Shipman either, because he was dead.
It was a rough time. I did manage to connect to the Interweb for a couple of short moments, but all I got was abuse from you lot, so I didn’t bother again.
Some of you might have been under the misapprehension that I had ceased blogging altogether. I’m sorry about that, but I did have to leave in rather a hurry. Some of you have suggested that it was all a ploy [I’m not sure what the objective would have been?]. Whatever the case, I’m back and hope to resume normal service, whatever that is.
The great news for me is that by way of apology, the CIA, MI5, MI6, The ICA and the GAA have all given me an unconditional pardon for something that they thought I did, but unconditionally pardoned me for everything that they didn’t know I did, but in fact, had done. There is apparently no time limit on this pardon. So I’m a free agent.
It’s good to be back.
Was it hell?
Welcome home, I think we missed you!
Thanks God you’re back Grandad!
The old nerves were starting to fray a little….
Should be ok now though!
Welcome back!
Now what’s the truth behind the rumour that you are back early because you were smoking in your hotel room?
Robert – A simple misunderstanding. What I told K8 was that the CIA had nearly smoked me out of my hotel room.
Unconditional pardon from the ICA?
Grandad, you should know by now that no woman gives you an unconditional pardon for anything, least of all one so formidable that she belongs to the ICA!
Ian – I must confess, a little bit of force, coercion and blackmail came into it. There is always a way.
But who are you REALLY? This pretence that you’re a lovable old chap called Grandad is wearing a bit thin. I’ve noticed you slipping up on some of the CV details. I’ve heard rumours that you’re really Bobby Fischer and he never died at all. My private eye is watching your house as I speak determined to get at the truth. You won’t get away with this shenanigans much longer.
Nick – Who am I really? I’m a lovable old chap called Grandad. I am not Gerry Adams, Harold Shipman or Osama bin Laden. I used to play chess, but I’m not Bobby Fisher. I’m just plain ol’ Grandad.
The book will go into a lot more detail as to who I am, what I do and where I live, so you’ll have to wait for the gory details.
There is an excellent post on this very subject here.
How do we know it is YOU who is back and not a CIA mole? The real Grandad could be languishing in some secret jail wearing an iron mask. For all we know you could well be an imposter.
Jaysus Grandad, you gave us all a scare there. Should we be thanking God or some underworld fella for your pardon and safe return? 🙂
I’m going to have to ask the same question as “tt”. Are you the REAL Grandad or just an American impersonation? 🙂
For a start, JD, if I were an American impersonation I would be stupid enough to put an American flag beside my name.
No, TT, I’m not a mole. If I were, I would be living under my lawn. But I’m not, so I have to be me.
I’m the real thing all right. Herself would be complaining otherwise…….
I still think you were in London conspiring with the Queen to cull more British tourists this coming spring. See that’s where MI5, MI6 and the GAA come in. We’re on to you, Grandad, if that’s your real name!
Not convinced. You need to answer a question that only the real Grandad would know the answer to. Let’s see now……hmmmmm…… got it:- which of your suits is the most hideous ?
Brianf – If I wanted to talk to the Queen, then she can damned well come over here. I don’t tug the forelock to anyone.
TT – The one I wore to the Golden Spiders? [*sigh*]
V clever, fell hook line and sinker! Can’t wait for the book. I’m sure all the chat show hosts are already outbidding each other furiously to ask you impertinent questions about your sex life as soon as it comes out.
I’m just glad you’re back because I was running low on Guinness and had started on the harder stuff and was going to risk driving to the store for more. You probably just saved several lives and a few small animals in the process. 😉
Well, Princess Diana went to see Josef Locke, so why shouldn’t her mum in law visit you, Grandad.
Nick – They have already started 🙁
S Mum – I’m glad the animals were spared.
TT – She has the ticket booked already.
That’s it. You are Mr X. The singing bobby.
your back. is it safe to ditch the heroin now, or should I hold on to it
for your next “holiday”
TT – Mr. X? What are you on?
Tony – You can take it, sell it or hold onto it. The holiday season hasn’t started yet!
I left a comment in one of your absentee posts with a link to an article about that young aussie chap you admired so 🙂
Thanks Thrifty. You made my day. Where’s that website that I can bitch-slap him?
Hear My Song, as well as introducing a whole new generation to Josef Locke, brings to life the bizarre Mr X – a character who carved a lucrative career out of impersonating Locke in his absence.
Now, 30 years on, Mr X – former Christmas tree salesman Erik Ellison – still makes a living recreating Locke’s hits.
“Now no one will let me be,’ he complained when interviewed in his home at the time of the film’s release. “I do bit parts in acting, but all they ever want me to do is Jo Locke.
Even Mr X gets to be a hero at the end of the movie, which is gratifying for Erik.
His occasional agent Paul Brydson said: “It was Hughie Greene’s idea when he introduced him on Opportunity Knocks as Mr X, an is-he-or-isn’t-he? Jo Locke gimmick.
“It’s amazing how he’s kept it up for so long, He played the South Pier at Blackpool and women mobbed him at the stage door.
“They always refuse to believe he isn’t Jo Locke, He denies it but they won’t have it.
“God knows what he signs in their autograph books.
“Jo absolutely hates it.”
When interviewed, Mr X he was in a rush to get to a cabaret date in Spain and had not seen the film.
“I’m afraid I have to live with Jo Locke,’ he said sadly.
“I even had visits from the Inland Revenue and the police at the theatre accusing me of being him. I met him once.
“He came to see me at the Queen’s Theatre in Blackpool.
“He said: “Carry on son. You’ll make it one day.””
”And that was it.”
“I went to Leeds for the first time to perform, and they said: “We’ve had you here before,” Would you believe another Mr X was impersonating me”
Grandad’s tobacco is a giveaway. Mr X impersonating Josef Locke impersonating Mr X would not have that distinctly aromatic quality – a sort of pipe tobacco with something sweeter. If Grandad is really back he should post some pipe smoke on the web to authenticate his presence.
You’re not the Messiah, you’re just a very naughty boy!
You’re back? Did not realise you were gone! 😉 Did NOT read about heroin withdrawals, day 1 or day 2……….if your server logs me as looking on those days it’s lying!!!
Can’t remeber how I stumbled upon your site a few weeks back, but I just need to know if this type of frivolity goes on often here. I felt a great sadness a few days ago when I first read of you leaving and fell into a deep depression that lasted for at least 3 and a half minutes. After that, and the prescribbed whiskey, I was generally OK with it. The emotional roller coaster is almost too much to take. Not to mention the headache the alcohol caused.
Glad to see you are no longer on the run or what ever it is that you folks on the right side of the ocean call it.
Ramble On Grandad!
You make me smile.
Baino – Sorry. I’ll sit on the naughty step for ten minutes?
Natalie – It’s nice to know I wasn’t missed.
Scott – Welcome to my humble space! All sorts of weird stuff goes on here…..