“Ah J-J-Jayzus, I have it.”

“What’s that, Bertie? The answer to the latest opinion polls?”

“Yeah. Dat and more”

“So how are we going to turn around the decline in our popularity, Bertie?”

“I have been g-g-giving due c-c-consideration to the…. I mean to say up-p on reflection…..”

“Bertie!”

“Wha?”

“You’re not talking to the meeja now, Bertie. You can talk normally”

“Shit! You’re right. No. I’m not worried about the polls. Or even the Poles! Ha Ha. We’ll sort that out a few days before the vote.”

“How, Bertie?”

“Jayzus! We’ll promise de nurses what dey want and sack dat Harney hoor. We’ll promise a 5% tax cut . We’ll promise to abolish stamp duty. Jayzus we’ll promise anyting dey want”

“But the electorate won’t fall for that, Bertie? And we can’t afford it anyway.”

“Of course dey’ll fall for it. Dey have every other time. And if we get back in we’ll just forget about it for another five years like we done before.
Anyway yiz are getting off the subject. My real brainwave is how to beat them French with the electronic voting.”

“Ah, Bertie! You’re not thinking of bringing those machines back again, are you?”

“Jayzus, no. D’ya tink I’m mad? No. Dis is a stroke of genius. Instant voting from home. Dey’ll love it!”

“And how do you propose to do that, Bertie?”

“Premium line voting! Dey can phone in their votes. De public will love it. Yiz know how dey go mad for dat. We’ll charge ’em a few euro a shot. Tink of de money!! So get out dere and set up some premium lines. Register dem in the name of Michael Moriarty, and divert de funds to de offshore account. Beverly Cooper-Flynn has de details”

“It won’t be that much, Bertie. There are only a couple of million or so voters.”

“Yeah. But wait till dey find dey can vote loads of times. Jayzus, de calls will run into hundreds of millions. We’ll be fuckin minted!”

“But how will anyone know the outcome of the election?”

“Ah, who gives a fuck. We’ll be out of de country by den. Are yiz coming for a pint?”