I have smoked the pipe for as long as I can remember [which isn’t very long], but have not quite reached the slippers stage [unless the dog brings them out to me].

The other day I got to reading my tobacco pouch, as one does, especially when one has nothing else to read. And what I saw frightened me.

Now it wasn’t the second part that got my attention. I mean, I have done my bit to continue the human genome pool, and I don’t have any immediate plans to further that career. It was the first bit that caught my attention.

I am worried. I have visions of my 40,000,000 little tadpoles all coughing their lungs up, and that is a heck of a lot of coughing. So I decided that the time has come. Now I have no intention of giving up the pipe [at least, not today anyway], but it was time those little yokes gave up the cigarettes.

So I made a general announcement.
“Tadpoles” says I, “It is time you gave up the cigarettes. It’s for your own good”.

As can be imagined, this was not greeted too well.

Now they smoke on average 20 fags a day. Each. That’s 800,000,000 fags a day that I’m not going to have to buy. That should save a few bob. The government are going to notice a significant drop in ther VAT receipts, but they’ll have to live with that. The local tobacconist isn’t going to be too happy either.

My little swimmers all demanded nicotine patches, but I refused on the grounds that it would be too expensive, and anyway I don’t have the time to go around fitting 40,000,000 patches a day. And the patches are the wrong size.

So they have gone cold turkey. Or should I say cold tadpole?

I don’t know if you have ever shared a house or office with someone who has given up smoking? It can be quite an ordeal. But believe me, to share a body with 40,000,000 who have just quit? It’s a right pain in the b*ll*x.