Give me water boarding any time

Today is Friday the 13th.

I'm not worried [nor even superstitious] as I had all my bad luck last night.

I don't know what came over me but I made a mistake that damn near killed me.

You see, Herself wasn't around [off brewing spells or something] and I had control of the remote control [why can’t they invent a remote control for a remote control so I can control the television when Herself has the main remote control?].  I started flicking through the channels – all thousand of 'em in the remote chance that there might be something interesting on.

I accidentally flicked into the Eurovision circus.

Fuck me but I have never seen anything like it!  It was car-crash television at its very worst.  Words can't describe just how appalling it was.  It started off with two presenters who thought they were hilariously funny.  They weren't.  They were an embarrassment to the human race.  I turned the sound down.

I suppose I watched for about ten minutes [with the sound barely audible] and decided enough was enough – my ears had begun to bleed and I realised I was absent mindedly trying to pluck my eyeballs out. 

I went back to flicking through the channels.  I skipped such intellectual heavyweights as "Sex sent me to ER", "16 and pregnant", "My wife was a murderer" and various other programmes designed to be "shocking" or "horrifying".  I skipped the dozens of repeats [of repeats of repeats] and eventually switched off.  

Herself came back later and switched the box on again.  She found the Eurovision car-crash again.  I said nothing.

They were doing some kind of voting [I think] and playing snatches of all the caterwauling I had fortuitously missed.  Herself started screaming so I switched it off before she had another stroke.

I noticed however that Ireland has apparently failed to make the cut [which is actually something to be very proud of] but Australia is through to the final.


I thought they meant Austria, but no, it was in fact Australia.

When the fuck did Australia become part of Europe?

Nobody tells me nothing.

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Give me water boarding any time — 12 Comments

  1. Dear Grandad

    " … in the remote chance that there might be something interesting…"

    That's why it's called a remote.


    • I'm going to slap a coat of paint on the wall and then film it for an hour.  Guaranteed to be more interesting than any of the utter shite they pump out these days.  It could be the start of a whole new series?  Tune in next week for "Episode 2 – Red".

  2. I almost tripped over a black cat this morning, when it came to my kitchen door looking for milk & munchies. I almost threw a winter boot at it. That would have been bad luck – for the cat.

  3. You don't have to be part of Europe to be in the Eurovision Song Contest, and never have (as any Israeli will gladly tell you).

    Most of Northern Africa & the Middle East are eligible to enter Eurovision, although they usually don't due to having a problem with said Israelis.

    The Aussies were invited in last year as a one-off to celebrate the 60th (Eurovision being apparently HUGE down under) and did so well they've been asked back again.

    I auditioned for Eurovision once. That was a laugh.

    • Welcome Zaph!  Maybe they should just change the name of the damn thing?  The Globalvision Song Contest would work?  It would make more sense too.

      You auditioned?  Good God!  Have you recovered since?

      • Well, you never know…it could come to that as I'm told the Asians want a Song Contest of their own & the Americans showed this year's effort—one can imagine what they did with the football, where every continent has its own version of the Champions League and then the winners all play off in Japan to be champions of the WOOOORRRRLLLDDD…

        As for the audition, it was actually OK—got to pretend to be Johnny Cash for the day. Didn't meet Terry Wogan which was probably just as well. For both of us 🙂

        My coworker claims he watched Eurovision on LSD back in the day. Ye gods.

  4. Yet another reason why my wife and I stopped piping in any sort of TV hookups of any kind into our home for the last 20 years. We gave that kind of thing up back in the late 90's, each for our own reasons since we didn't know each other back then, but basically we couldn't see the sense in paying tons of money per month for 140+ channels of pure crap–a good portion of which were "infomercial" channels. So you got a "couple-three" decent channels out of the 140 but for what? $100+ per month? And that was back then.

    Nothing's changed much has it?

    • Funny you should say that – I have just been pricing up various media bundles [phone, TV and broadband].  I estimate they are costing us around $270 a month which scared me when I did the calculations.  I reckon we could get the lot for under $100 a month with fewer useless channels and MASSIVE increase in broadband speeds [from 3 up to 100+] just as soon as they install fibre in the area.  The box is there at my hedge but apparently it's not live yet.

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