I was passing through the front room yesterday when I noticed an unholy mess.

The house can be a little untidy at times, but this went way beyond a little bit of untidyness – there was soot all over the carpet and the fireplace was full of branches, twigs and even half a brick.

Crap in the fireplace


My avian friends had obviously decided that Spring had sprung and were trying to build a nest in my chimney.  Judging by the size of the branches it wasn't a small bird.  My guess is a Crow, a Pelican or a Golden Eagle.

Now I don't use that fireplace except on rare occasions during the depths of Winter but I was still rather pissed at the mess they were making and the fact that they were intent on squatting on my property without paying any rent.  Also I checked the local planning applications and the fuckers hadn't even received the requisite planning permission!  It was damned obvious that they hadn't even done an ecological impact study as they had fucked up my front room with their sustainable, renewable, eco-friendly crap.

I reached up into the neck of the flue and discovered that was at least half a tree up there and when I pulled at it, of course the thin layer of soot on the carpet became a thick layer.  I bagged the branches as they'll make great kindling.  I managed to fill a sack with a fair chunk of the Larch that grows beside the gate, which is obviously the source of their building materials [I don’t know where they bought the half brick].

Of course I swept the chimney then.  Soot came down in clouds accompanied by more of the tree.  One would have to wonder at the intelligence level of a creature that persists in dumping sack loads of branches down a black hole without achieving anything?

I don't mind sweeping chimneys.  It's a quick and simple job.  The difficulty and expenditure of energy comes afterwards when I have to clean up the mess.  I did it all anyway and admired my now clean and empty hearth.

This morning I passed through the front room again.

The fucking fireplace was full of branches and twigs again, though thankfully not that much soot.

So the little big fuckers were back!

Herself and I had a wee debate.  What should we do about it?  I toyed with the idea of buying one of those cage things, but that would mean shinning up and over the roof twice, every time I wanted to sweep the chimney – once to remove it and once to replace it.  Herself suggested sticking the sweeping brush up semi-permanently so it swayed in the gentle gales we get here, but I pointed out that they would probably use the rods as an extra foundation and that come the end of Summer they'd try and sell it in the property pages as a "lofty perch in excellent location with the added unique feature of a bristly thing".

I have decided to let them have at it.  Let them build their nest if they want to.  I can always stick some traffic cones in the front room, cordoning off the mess and destruction that's coming down the chimney.

If I decide to have a fire in there I will light it.  It should be interesting.  The twigs and branches that doubtless lodged all the way up to the chimney pot will catch fire and the whole thing will act like a blow torch.

It will be a nice surprise for the bird if he is sitting in his nest?

Talk about Vindaloo Arse!

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Airbnb — 22 Comments

  1. When we lived in France, we had a Barn Owl take up residence in the disused part of the building. He wasn't too impressed when we accidentally disturbed his slumber.

  2. A pigeon got stuck in our fireplace and it took me five days to rescue the poor bugger. It really shocked the neighbours on the front having a beer when I walked out wearing gardening gloves and holding an angry pigeon that was cussing like a sailor.

    • You managed to teach a pigeon to curse in only five days?  That is really impressive!

      The front room here is very high [two floors] and sometimes robins fly in through the rooflight.  They're a bugger to shift out and crap all over the place.  The only solution is to leave the rooflight open and hope they find their own way out [and that it doesn't rain].

  3. It might be prudent to consider legl advice regarding squatter's rights Grandad. You do not want an unseemly squabble over property deeds and ownership when you're in your eighties. Mind you, if it is crows, you'll be fine because they know fuck all about legal rights or property. But a golden eagle might. 

    I'm only saying ……..

    • A legal eagle huh?  I have posted a notice that they have two weeks to lay, hatch and rear before they fuck off.  If they're not gone by then they're going to get a bamboo rod up the arse.

  4. Could be a dragon, you never know, their non-existence has never been proven. It could be a dragon using your chimney to store its kindling – next thing you know, your front room is its hearth

    • I saw you'd been reading Lord of the Rings!  If it's Smaug up there it should cut down a bit on the heating bills.  It's more likely to be an ostrich  though.

      • So…you have a mountain of gold stuffed up your chimney as well? Never knew a dragon that would just sit on a sooty old chimney just for the view.

  5. And if it's magpies I'd go for an eviction order immediately. Eviction orders are being thrown about like confetti at a wedding right now so no difficulty there. But the magpie is know as the 'knacker of the skies,' where one nice respectable magpie couple moves in and a week later you have the whole shagging tribe of them roaring their heads off drunk night and day.

    Again, I'm only saying ……

  6. While I spent some years abroad a bird of unknown species built a nest in the chimney of my front room, where I had rarely lit fires. So I got the thing cleared out and a cap placed over the chimney pot above the roof. Had to get distemper and stuff for removing accumulated damp on internal walls, and rooms repainted. Fine, and I light occasional fires to warm the room and keep the chimney dry. But since elderly neighbours vacated the adjoining semi-detached house a bird has ensconced itself in the neighbour's' chimney which shares a chimney lining wall with mine. Ergo damp from their wall now seeps into my front (unused) room once more. The elderly neighbours are not contactable. What shall I do?

  7. The only thing funnier than your posts are the people who leave comments, and I don’t mean me. I enjoy your humour very much – you’re able to find the funny side in the most serious topics. Write on!!!

  8. Good Grief! I just re-read my comment and it sounds like an insult.  I kind of actually meant the reverse. I'll just slink back to lurking now.

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