How to avoid cancer

I had a stroll around the village yesterday evening.

One of the things I love about the village, particularly on a calm winter's evening is the smell.  Sometimes it's turf smoke and sometimes it's wood smoke.  Yesterday it was wood smoke and the sweetness of it was heady and beautiful.

Now I happened to pass by a group of strangers who were all standing on the pavement all puffing away on their cigarettes.  As I passed by them I got a lung full of The World's Deadliest Carcinogen.  It struck me that this is what the sheeple spend their time complaining about.  This is the reason they want smoking banned near doorways and on hospital grounds.  This is what has them flapping their hands around and tutting.  One further step and I was breathing sweet wood smoke again.  I suppose I smelt cigarette smoke for all of a couple of seconds.  What the fuck is all the fuss about?

But then today I was over at Legiron's place and read the most startling bit of news yet.

It transpires that it isn't cigarette smoke that's cause people to drop like flies on the pavement.  It isn't fast food chains that's causing people to swell up like barrage balloons.  It's the air!

In retrospect it is blindingly obvious and it's a wonder this hasn't occurred to anyone before.  What have all cancer victims got in common?  What have all heart attack victims got in common?  What have all the morbidly obese got in common?  They all breathed air!  I am really astounded that no one discovered this simple fact before.  May it was just too blindingly obvious?

Anyhows the wonderful news is that we no longer need worry about our health.  McDonalds can flourish and we can go back to the good old smokey bars.  None of that is relevant.  All we need to do is stop breathing that pesky air which is the root cause of all our problems.

So if you really and sincerely believe that you are in any risk of dying from cancer, obesity or a heart attack, just tie a plastic bag over your head.  That will prevent you breathing in that deadly invisible menace.  I can guarantee 100% that it will work.  You will also be trapping all that CO2 that is causing Warble Gloaming so you will be saving the planet too.  It is truly a win-win situation, as they say.

You will categorically not die from cancer or any of those other nasties.

I promise.

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How to avoid cancer — 4 Comments

    • Damn! This is getting very confusing, just when I thought I had the answer.  So that means it is quite safe to step in front of a bus provided the driver isn't obese, drunk or smoking?  Maybe Jamie Oliver or Duncan Stewart might like to help me out with that little experiment?

  1. Oh hell, we're all born to die which obviously means that living causes death and that's it. Everything else is suprfl superflio superlfi irrelevant. So these anti-everything idiots should just stop wasting their valuable time and start living life like the rest of us do.

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