The amazing effects of Fourth Hand Smoke

I think I may have finally discovered "Fourth Hand Smoke".

We all know about "Second Hand Smoke" which is, we are told, as lethal as Sarin and can kill at five hundred paces.

Then there is "Third Hand Smoke" that apparently lurks around on walls and furniture for years whereupon it suddenly jumps out and kills everyone in the room.

So what is this elusive "Fourth Hand Smoke" that we have been searching for for so many years?  Why, it's the image of a cigarette being smoked on a cinema screen which is killing the customers in the auditorium.  Who would have thunk it?

I came across a study which examined this deadly phenomenon, and apparently these celluloid smokers are wreaking havoc amongst our health services.

"… Ontario smokers will incur at least $1.1 billion in health care costs attributable to their exposure to onscreen smoking."

This is staggering!  Being exposed to Fourth Hand Smoke [which, remember is an image of smoke on a screen] causes far more damage to the viewer's health than previously thought and is more deadly that Second or Third Hand Smoke.

"At least 185,000 children and teens aged 0-17 living in Ontario today will be recruited to cigarette smoking by their exposure to on-screen smoking."

This is terrible!!  They are recruiting babies who are only just born!  Two year olds are queuing at the cigarette kiosks on their way out of the cinema!  185,000 children are being rounded up at gunpoint and marched off to cigarette smoking bootcamps!

However there is some excellent news in all of this.

They estimate that of these 185,000 unfortunates who are forced into smoking through some optical wizardry only 59,000 will die prematurely, which means presumably that 126,000 will in fact live longer than average.  Over 68% will have an improved lifespan!

This Fourth Hand Smoke is really amazing stuff.

It infects through the eyeballs, forces infants as young as zero into smoking but drastically increases life expectancy?

I would have thought that $1.1 billion is a bargain?


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The amazing effects of Fourth Hand Smoke — 8 Comments

  1. I have a fairly good imagination and I cannot stretch it to 4th hand smoking,  reading this has given me a headache, suppose now that will be 5th hand smoking risks

  2. Second hand lovemaking: this year millions of adolescents worldwide and persons under 30 will be recruited to the addictive habit of lovemaking by their exposure to on-screen lovemaking and diverse hanky panky. New scientific studies show.

    • Not mention firing off thousands of automatic weapons in streets and driving fast cars everywhere…  Oh!  Hng on…  They already do that.  Now we know why?

  3. No, no, no! Fourth-hand smoke is when you come in contact with a carrier of third-hand smoke. For instance, your baby crawls around on the floor of a New Orleans bar, or in the men's hotel room of a filthy smoker. Then, you hand your baby to an unsuspecting non-smoker – fourth-hand smoke! The well-established science of homeopathy and tobacco control teaches us that this highly diluted tobacco smoke is many times more deadly than actual smoking. The science of statistics teaches us that tens of thousands have already died due to exposure to fourth-hand smoke.

    • Welcome Sudon't!   Yes, I was already hauled over the coals for that one.  I had to rename mine as Fifth Hand [or Smoke V4.1?].  We'll soon be at the stage that if you have ever visited a country where someone once smoked then you are liable to infect an entire continent yourself.

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