Confessions of an addict

I have a confession to make.

For forty and a bit odd years I smoked a pipe.

I confess that last week I was tempted to try an electronic cigarette.

Just once.

Now I am a crack addict.

I drink drain cleaner for breakfast and spend the rest of the day smoking, snorting, injecting and shoving things up my backside.

My wife has left me and I have sold the dog into prostitution, to feed my €500 a day addictions.

Why did no one tell me that electronic cigarettes were a gateway to harder drugs?

Crack addict

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Comments

Confessions of an addict — 19 Comments

  1. There you go, GD. That’s what comes of not listening to the experts. You only have yourself to blame, matey. All those nice people in Tobacco Control, working selflessly to save you from yourself, altruists all, and you just go and ignore them.

    Still, luckily for you, they are true saints, and I’m certain that despite your flagrantly disobeying their advice, they won’t give up on you. They will keep on fighting the good fight on behalf of all smokers, who we all know (because they told us) are desperate to quit. They will continue to help us by getting more bans enacted, removing all that tempting glitziness from the packets and mandating ever fouler fire-retardant chemicals to be added. And of course lobbying for yet more punitive taxes to make smoking less affordable. God bless ’em, eh?

    • The big problem now is that they are ignoring me.  As most of my intake is via ingestion, injection, inhalation and enemation [is there such a word?] they are only concerned with smoking and I am falling under their radar.

  2. Coming to your screens in Autumn…Simon Cowells new virtual reality show which mixes insanity with conformity…fronted by Becks and Dana…called The Fear Factor…think I’m joking?

    • Welcome Sarah!  When I was a kid I was told something else would make me blind, and it didn’t.  So I don’t worry about that any more…

  3. “…injecting and shoving things up my backside.”

    Us Yanks are waaaay ahead of you.

    Started as a fetish in the waaaay back and is now trumpeted as the new “thing” for baby boomers:

    here’s a parody from 2006:

    http://www.metacafe.com/embed/yt-46f8nK50o84/

    And it’s now a BOOMING industry with washed out soap opera spokespeople:

    http://www.christianpost.com/news/lisa-rinnas-unusual-adult-diaper-ad-73038/

    http://www.adultdiaper.org/adultdiapers.html

     

    • Welcome Kathleen!  I’m not sure where you are coming from with that one, or indeed where you are going to.  Are you implying I am incompetent?

  4. Holy mackerel Grandad, that picture shows you desperately need a makeover. I suggest cold showers at 6 a.m. and 6 p.m. every day without fail. You need gardening, Coronas cigars, a glass of red wine with lunch and dinner, an Irish coffee after lunch, followed by another Corona and possibly a ’99’ ice cream cone. Regular attendance at horse races, an annual visit to the casino at Monte Carlo, a traipse up the first ‘etage’ of the Eiffel tower and an autumn holiday in Lisdoonvarna – where you can converse with many eligible and intelligent young women – will improve the quality of your lifestyle and bring you back into normal healthy life once more.

    • Crack cocaine is a great method for losing weight.  Have you ever seen an overweight addict?  Maybe someone should tell the Bully State – the answer to their “obesity epidemic”?

  5. So sorry to hear you’ve fallen foul of the demon e cig. I too made the huge mistake of going for harm reduction almost ten months now… after 38 years of glorious smoking. Suspect you may already know about this but think you might enjoy the ramblings of another vaping blogger, Redhead Full of Steam… think she might be up or down your street… If my brain cells weren’t dying by the minute due to vaping I might have a proper link for you but have no doubt you’ll find her! Look forward to meeting you in hell.

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