Get on yer bike

I hate Cyclists.

Now I have nothing against anyone getting on a bike and going for a spin down to the village or even a bit further.  A person on a bike is someone I respect, and if I’m in the car I treat them with respect and give them a wide berth.

No.  I’m talking about Cyclists with a capital C, which is obviously how they see themselves.  These are the fuckers who head out in gangs, all wearing that disgusting Spandex and a bunch of fucking plastic bananas on their head.

What is that all about?  Why the obsession with Spandex?  Of all the things to wear, it is probably the least practical as it offers no protection whatsoever.  I get the impression that they are all Tour de France wannabes who see themselves in the lead as they breast the tape on the final stage.  They look fucking stupid in their multicolour skin tight plastic with bulges in places I do not want to see.

Apart from looking fucking stupid, they are in general an arrogant crowd of fuckers.  I was in the village yesterday and there was a crowd of them completely blocking the pavement [what is the collective noun for cyclists?  A mess?  An ugly?].  Their bikes were scattered on the ground and they all just stood there blocking the place and being a fucking nuisance.  I had to walk out on the road to pass them as the very idea that I might accidentally brush against some Spandex gave me the shivers.

I met them again when I was driving home.  Of course they thought they owned the fucking road – two and three abreast cycling in clumps and taking up the whole width of the road.  Would they get out of the way?  Would they fuck!  I did what I always do.

I clipped past the outer fella with about an inch to spare and blasted the horn at the same time.

He swung hard left.

The domino effect took hold.

They all ended up in a heap at the side of the road in a pile of Spandex, bananas and bent cycles.

It’s a very satisfying sight in the rear view mirror!

cyclists
Proper cyclists.

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Comments

Get on yer bike — 29 Comments

  1. God!  I couldn't agree with you more.  I HATE Cyclists.  I use to drive a '75 Chevy Caprice Classic convertable that needed a ring job.  I use to love carefully passing a gaggle of Cyclists.  Getting just a bit in front of them and stomping on the gas pedal leaving them in a huge cloud of oily smoke.  :)

  2. Same problem here in the States, especially in Vermont where these Cyclists feel the hills and mountains to be a "challange" (they are) and the land to be beautiful (it is). Nothing like coming around a blind corner on a small country lane and finding a bunch a spandex clad bums stretching across half the lane and a fuel oil truck coming the other way.

     

    And what's with the air brushed tits anyway?

  3. outfits *pah* it's as silly as the joggers or "power walkers" we have now…whats wrong with normal clothes and  a pair of sneakers/runners?

    btw i do like the font now, much easier to read and i'm getting used to the comment bit..nice work

    • I blame the fucking Americans.  They're the ones who started all this "fitness" shit.

      Don't worry about the comments – I'm still getting used to 'em too.  At least now I can hold a decent conversation without flipping up and down the page!  :D

      • I blame the fucking Americans. They're the ones who started all this "fitness" shit

         

        Ironic, isn't it? The same place that also invented fast food, fat kids and morbidly obese adults :D

      • I blame the fucking Americans.They're the ones who started all this "fitness" shit.

        I just want it noted, that I take gross exception to that statement.

        Have a nice day dudes.  

  4. I quite like cyclists and bicycles. Prefer motorcycles, but nevertheless a bicycle is not taxed or registered and is probably the last mode of transport free from State interference. I don’t have any gay crappy lycra, however, because it is gay.

    • As I said, I have nothing against cyclists myself.  A bike is a great cheap way of getting around and in my younger days I was never without my old cycle-clips in my pocket.

      Does anyone use cycle-clips these days?  Are they even sold any more?

  5. why don't they use the cycle lanes. There is a perfectly good one near where I live running beside the busy main road. But they are the only cyclists that don't use it. 

    • Welcome Joe!   Wearing Spandex and bananas signifies that they are certified green tree-huggers, and therefore are superior to the rest of us.  Not only do they own the cycle lanes but have full rights to the rest of the road as well.

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