I have received a letter and a leaflet from my County Council.

It was addressed to “The Occupier” which is a very bad start and guaranteed to get my hackles up.

They want to know what arrangements I have for sewage disposal.  Hah!

They claim this is all about “public health” and “protecting the environment” but seeing as there has not been an outbreak of Ebola or even The Black Death here since I arrived on the scene, they can go fuck themselves, especially as I know this is a directive from Brussels.  If Brussels want to stick their noses in my business they are more than welcome to do so, but only in the literal sense.

The leaflet waffles on about local water supplies and how I have to do my bit towards food production, recreation and tourism.  Apparently my septic tank is a threat to all of these and more.  I honestly had no idea that people in their tens of thousands were forsaking a trip to Ireland because of my septic tank, but I learn something new every day.

The leaflet also tells me how to tell if my septic tank is faulty.

Is there a smell?  Well, no.  There isn’t.  And the dogs [whose noses are more powerful by several orders of magnitude] have never shown any interest in the system, so I think I can safely say it is odour-free.

Are my toilets slow to flush?  Well, that all depends.  If I drop a gigantic Mr Hankey after a good feed of Guinness then it can sometimes have a bit of trouble getting around the bend and it may require more than one flush or even a judicious prod from Herself’s toothbrush.  Apart from that, my flushing is perfectly normal, thanks very much.

Is vegetation flourishing in the outflow area?  Ah!  Now, here we might have a problem all right.  The plants in the outflow area are, I have to admit, flourishing.  They are fast growing and damned healthy. It is the corner of the property that is reserved for my prize plants.

Maybe I should have picked up on the clues before.

The lads in the village always refer to my vegetation as “fucking great shit”.


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My business is my business — 10 Comments

  1. Your septic tank is a treat to all of these and more.

    I assume you mean “threat” ??
    I was talking to a friend about this when I was home last month and apparently they are looking for money from people like you (and me) who have septic tanks. No doubt this is (Wicklow?) council try to get a few more sheckles from us.Well, as you very eloquently say – they can fuck right off.

  2. I assume you mean “threat” ??”  FUCK!  I read that damned piece five times before pressing the button!

    Indeed it is Wicklow.  I am supposed to pay them so that they can keep a record of my affairs?  In their fucking dreams.

  3. We have an American Community Survey being sent to random addresses in the states.  I received it a few days ago.  It’s about 20 pages long and asks similarly stupid questions, like, “Do you have a flushing toilet?”.  I wrote in that I have an outhouse/privy in the backyard.  I’m not mailing it back, because it is too intrusive upon my privacy as a tax paying citizen.  I may incur fines for not doing so, but I really don’t care.  🙂

  4. The letter is just another government ponzi scheme to get people to fill out information if fact by filling the form you are signing up for another tax. The same happened with the property tax ‘a Jesus its only €100‘  if you fell for the scam you discover its just the registration fee the real payment will be €900 and will go up every year.

  5. It’s back to pit latrines, if you want to avoid a septic tank tax. In the days before group water schemes and communal sweage disposal systems, people down the country had ‘garden seats’ and people in towns had outdoor shed lavatories.

    There are also portable ecological composting toilets that have slide in and out boxes at the base. Sand and lime decomposes the offerings of nature. The material can be added to garden compost heaps regularly. The portable contraptions can be bought through ecology networks in Britain and Ireland. Write to your friendly neighbourhood Green Party redundant ex-TD. Non compost mentis?

  6. Did I read somewhere that Bill Gates is trying to reinvent the toilet?  It would be highly appropriate.  Nearly all his software to date has been shite.

  7. Well, that’s what you get for telling your tax collectors they can go and tax shit. Now they’re attempting to do just that. Never pays to give these clowns ideas.

  8. Marianne – I think that’s something I badly need too.

    Kirk M – There is only one thing left to tax now and that’s the air we breathe.  Whats’ the bet bet that within the next five years they’ll find a way?

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