I got me a new phone yesterday.
The old one had been annoying me for a while. Apart from the keys which were too fucking small for my fingers [they were designed for a rat] it started to seriously play up a couple of weeks ago.
It had this little trick of going to sleep about a microsecond after I had last used it, and to wake it up I had to press two keys at the same time. That stopped working. I eventually discovered that I could wake it up by hitting it with a tablespoon. It had to be a tablespoon for some reason. No other spoon would work.
Then a couple of days ago it stopped receiving phone calls. If I tried ringing it from the main phone all I got was me telling myself to leave a message which wasn’t much help.
The poor yoke has never really been the same since I dropped it into a steaming mug of tea over in France a few years ago.
I decided it was time to retire it.
I tried hunting for a similar phone but they all seem to have gone out of fashion. I’m well aware that as soon as a phone leaves the shop it becomes outdated so this was no surprise. However the only phones I could find that had a wee keyboard were the geriatric ones with fucking massive great keys and a huge one in the corner saying “Press this if you want to phone someone”. I may be old but I’m not that old. Or that senile.
I eventually chose one based entirely on
technical specifications cost.
I’m not going to say what make or model it is, because I have learned from bitter experience that as soon as I tell, I am derided for choosing that model and I should have gone for the other type. That type of snobbery and one-upmanship just pisses me off and is typical of the modern generation.
It’s a strange yoke. It doesn’t have a keyboard. I know, because I looked. It’s just a blank tablet of black glass. I hunted around and eventually found how to switch it on. It seems I have gotten me one of those irritating phones where you have to flick everything around with your fingertips.
I flicked, slithered and slid and have discovered how to do quite a few things.
I can browse the Interweb using my little network here, which will be very handy if ever all the laptops fail suddenly and simultaneously. I can play games, though I’m still on the first level of Angry Birds. It can tell be exactly where I am on the face of the earth which will be handy if ever I get lost in the village. It even has a copy of Office so I can read any Word documents that I don’t happen to have on the phone. That’s a bit pointless. I can take photographs or films. I can listen to the radio. I can browse YouTube and read my emails. It’s a miracle of modern technology.
The one thing I can’t find is the fucking dial to make a phone call.
I’m sure it’s in there somewhere……