Montezuma’s Revenge

Herself was watching the television last night.

She has this strange thing of wanting to watch the Late Late show “in case anything interesting comes up”.  The fact that nothing interesting has come up in the last ten years doesn’t seem to sway her.

Fortunately I had the spare remote at hand as I was able to quickly kill the sound when Jedward came on.  It’s just a pity I couldn’t kill Jedward at the same time.

Apparently these two screech owls have been chosen “to represent Ireland” in the Eurovision Song Contest.  Again. 

For those of you who are not familiar with Jedward [oh, you lucky, lucky people] they are a pair of utterly talentless twins [funny how twins always come in pairs?] who can’t sing, can’t dance and can’t even speak properly.  They screech.  In fact they screech in txt spk, which I suppose is a sort of talent.  Their only claim to fame is that they dye their hair blonde and make it stand on end.  Remove the hair and that’s the end of their entire career.  [Now there’s a thought…  Heh!]

Last year we unleashed them onto the Eurovision stage.  I have a sneaking suspicion that this is a plot to get revenge on all the times we have had to host that fucking circus – a sort of Eurovision Montezuma’s Revenge.  And just to twist the knife, we are sending them again. 

Herself unmuted the television [the bitch] just as Jedward were about to perform their song.  To say it is terrible is an insult to terribleness.  It was fucking painful on the eyes and ears.  For someone like myself who likes music it was a torture a thousand times worse than waterboarding.   They might even win with it.

As I was calming my nerves with a very large glass of whiskey, the next guest came on.

It was that snivelling cunt John Crown who is successfully campaigning to have smoking banned in cars where there are children.  I’m not going to go into the rights and wrongs of that [the Nanny State thing of a new law to cover the actions of a few].  What got me steamed up was his reasons for this law.

He started waffling about how “extraordinarily hazardous” smoke is and then came up with a classic bit of scaremongering – within a minute of lighting a fag, the atmosphere in a car is thirty times higher than the maximum safe limit and would have the American EPA shouting for people “to leave the streets and close their windows”.  Will someone please ask these prats how for half a century and more, we all survived totally unscathed in an environment where smoking was the norm, in houses, cars, buses and just about everywhere except churches?

This addle brained idiot then went on to talk about Chernobyl, and how there were NO birth defects detected after the disaster in 86.  Zero, says he.  None, says he.  No birth defects whatsoever, says he.

What the fuck is this idiot on?

He is claiming that a lit cigarette is absolutely lethal but it’s quite OK to spread the contents of a nuclear reactor over a continent?

It was about that time that I lost it.  I can only take so much unadulterated crap.

If anyone wants me today, I’ll be out.

I have to buy a new television.

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Comments

Montezuma’s Revenge — 11 Comments

  1. Don’t buy an expensive TV, you might do it again!
    Ours only last a year or two so we buy cheap ones, but that’s due to lightning strikes on overhead cables not incandescent Grandads.
    Apparently our entry is a song called “Aphrodisiac” sung by a very pretty girl ably assisted by four handsome male Greek dancers.  We’ve got to do better than you!!   

  2. Meltemian – There is no ‘might’ about it.  Unless they radically improve the programmes, that is.  Unfortunately I won’t get to see your pretty girl, as when the Eurovision comes on, I tend to do something more pleasant.  Like removing my toenails with rusty pliers.

    John – I’m just waiting for you to appear on it.  Hah!

    Gammagoblin – Damn you!  Another perfectly good mouthful of tea sneezed all over my keyboard!

  3. At Last!  The dreaded double-entry glitch has hit Grandad.  I thought it only happened to us lesser mortals.

  4. # Grandad on 12 May 2012 at 2:22 pm
    Meltemian – There is no ‘might’ about it.  Unless they radically improve the programmes, that is.  Unfortunately I won’t get to see your pretty girl, as when the Eurovision comes on, I tend to do something more pleasant.  Like removing my toenails with rusty pliers.
    John – I’m just waiting for you to appear on it.  Hah!
    Gammagoblin – Damn you!  Another perfectly good mouthful of tea sneezed all over my keyboard!

  5. # Grandad on 12 May 2012 at 2:22 pm
    Meltemian – There is no ‘might’ about it.  Unless they radically improve the programmes, that is.  Unfortunately I won’t get to see your pretty girl, as when the Eurovision comes on, I tend to do something more pleasant.  Like removing my toenails with rusty pliers.
    John – I’m just waiting for you to appear on it.  Hah!
    Gammagoblin – Damn you!  Another perfectly good mouthful of tea sneezed all over my keyboard!

  6. Heh!

    jedward

    jed.ward [jed-werd]

    noun

    Anything that is nonsensically repeating and causing high levels of irritation.

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