Can you smoke in Heaven?

Last night I got into a wee debate with a friend.

We got onto the subject of Heaven and Hell, and quite frankly I ended up more confused than anything.

Assuming one believes in The Afterlife, then things get extremely messy.

Suppose that I go to Heaven [which is more than likely] and all my friends go to Hell [which is even more likely] then who am I to share a pint with Up There?  Drinking on one’s own isn’t much fun, and I would miss my pals, leaving me unhappy which isn’t supposed to happen Up There.

What is the situation regarding smoking?  To me, Heaven would be a place without any Smoking Nazis, but some [well, maybe one or two] may have led otherwise fairly good lives, and may warrant a trip Upwards rather than Downwards.  What happens to them, when they come across me on my wee cloud, plucking my harp and enjoying a lovely pipe-full?  Of course it would be heaven for them to have someone to castigate for all eternity, but it would be hell for me.

What about those people who are afraid of dogs?  Heaven for them would be a canine-free zone, but I would have to have my Sandy with me, so how does that one work out?  

It’s one of those fucking conundrums that gets worse the more you think about it. 

What about climate?  I don’t like things to be too hot, but there are those would would relish temperatures way above my comfort zone.  Nobody ever taught me about these things which are, after all quite important.  I was taught a whole load of shite in religion classes when I was at school, but no one ever told me the real facts about Heaven and Hell.  I was just taught that Heaven was a nice place and Hell was all fire and agony. like having all my teeth extracted every day for all eternity.  For some strange reason the Brothers who taught me seemed to have a much greater insight into Hell.

I think, on the whole it is easier to remain an atheist.

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Comments

Can you smoke in Heaven? — 17 Comments

  1. Considering no sickness can touch you in Heaven ( or so we’re taught ) I’d say yes – one can ( should ) be able to smoke there. I’ll never know unless I come to visit you there – no way I’ll get there, in Hell more likely :D

  2. Presumably, with it being heaven, those people who are afraid of dogs would be magically cured of their ridiculous mental illness. Likewise, from one point of view YOU’ll be freed from your filthy evil addiction. From the other, catching a whiff of the faint odour of tobacco drifting by on the breeze will no longer send THEM into psychotic convulsions of rage or provoke a bout of fake coughter. Either way, your pipe won’t be an issue.
    However, I don’t think you’ll be taking Sandy with you. Heaven is for human beings only, not ‘beasts’. In fact, only a particular subset of human beings who are capable of believing various strange things, which I am pretty sure a dog is not. So I understand it anyway.

  3. Mossy – Good idea.  I’ll see you down there.  Order a pint for me, will you?

    Bill – Don’t worry about our new “recession”.  The European Bank, and various other experts [in fact, all experts] say we are heading back into recession, but our Glorious Government says that isn’t so.  Would they lie?

    Ciaran – Don’t knock the fear of dogs.  Some people have genuine reasons, though I hope those reasons will vanish on death.  As for my pipe – I don’t have a filthy evil addiction.  I have a clean relaxing pastime.  And if Sandy ain’t going then nor am I.  That’s final.

  4. I think its fair to say Grandad that the Catholic Church has sold far more copies of “Baedecker’s Guide to Hell” than its “Guide to Heaven” …

    As for having a pint & a pipe-full (or three) down there .. I reckon I’m gonna be far too busy .. shaking hands … ;) :)

  5. I wouldn’t worry about the concept of hell Groandad … it never existed in christian dogma until about the 6th century. The Xians nicked the concept from another offshoot of Judaism called ‘Manichaeism’.

    St Augustine was a Manichaen for nine years and they believed in something called the ‘duality of opposites’ which means if there’s a heaven there has to be a hell.

    The Xians liked the idea of something to threaten the plebs with so adopted it and thanked Augustine by giving him a bump and a new title after the Council of Constantinople.

    Xians hate me because I look this stuff up. Its great fun debunking their nonsense.

    Sandy, like yourself, will live forever in one form or another because you’ve both lived and inhabited places in other lives.

    Thats pretty cool.

  6. Heaven/Hell – it’s straightforward really. So here it is.
    You go to heaven and your mates go to hell. Obviously the meet in the pub.
    Your mates enter through the lounge bar door, and have to endure chintz, muzak and pointlessly elaborate menus of crap food.
    You come in to the cooler bar – decent toastie, no kids, attentive service, well poured pints.
    You speak to each other through hatch between the bars.
    They say: Jesus, when did they clean the pipes. This tastes like piss.
    You say: D’ye think so? They’re serving lovely pints in here.
    Until time is called. They go back to hell. You stay for the lock-in.

  7. Haddock – It sounds like it’s going to be a great party when we all meet up?  :twisted:

    Con – Now that you mention it – hasn’t Hell been declared null and void along with Saint Christopher and a few others?  One problem I have with reincarnation – if every person who is born has had a previous life, then how come the world’s population isn’t static?  Just sayin’.

    TT – I’ll share my baccy with you when we meet up.  There again, I may not end up in Hell?

    Blackwatertown – Jayzus but that sounds just like the pub in the village.  Are you sure you’re not from these parts?

  8. People who go to heaven will be angels.  Since angels are inanimate beings who may or may not have wings they will not have any bodily sensations or cravings. They will not need to scratch their itchy backsides since there won’t be any backsides to itch. They won’t have any bodily cravings since they won’t have bodies; therefore it follows they’ll never be dying for a fag. They won’t experience thirst either; therefore drinking pints of the dark stuff will be out of the question. They won’t drink to excess and annoy those around them by puking on the floor or the footpath outside, so those around them will continue their songs of praise for the almighty uninterrupted ad infinitum.  Eternal bliss is going to be an eternal smokefree and pukefree affair. So smoking like a chimneystack and drinking like a fish are pleasures you can enjoy only in this world. Enjoy while it lasts.

  9. ‘Angels’ were made up by the catholic church which was having a problem convincing early converts that one god had responsibility for everything.
    People were used to having different gods for different situations- the sea, the land, night and day.
    So the church explained this problem away by saying there was one god with lots of ‘angel’ helpers.
    This information remains cunningly hidden away from Xians in large buildings called ‘libraries’.
     
     

  10. Gabby – No smoking?  No drinking?  Sounds like hell to me?

    Cap’n – Sure aren’t half the current traditions robbed directly from other religions?  Even Christmas is 99% Pagan!!

  11. I disagree with the Cap’n above when he says angels were invented by the RC church. Angels featured in the OT in several places long before the birth of Jesus. Today members of the Jewish faith observe the passover, which commemorates the passing over by the angel of death of those loyal households  with doors daubed with the blood of the lamb. John Milton, a Protestant, describes in the first book of his epic poem Paradise Lost the fateful conflict “in dubious battle on the plains of heaven” between the good angels and the bad angels – which Lucifer and his mafia cronies lost and were then banished down to the other place to join Old Nick and his crew of pot smoking, glue sniffing and red-hot-poker poking devils.
    Some people like the Cap’n may think that Catholics invented angels because the best renaissance and other painters of angels were Catholics; but ask an art historian to list the names of prominent Protestant painters who have done angels too, often with gigantic wings, and you will realize that angels are not Jewish, Catholic or Protestant. They’re simply angels. And they don’t smoke fags or down dark pints. So Grandad won’t be joining them soon.
     

  12. I’m apt to believe that Heaven (and Hell) is not a one-size-fits-all absolute.  It only makes sense that the afterlife would be fundamentally context-sensitive per occupant.  Perhaps the postcard Western view of Heaven is some sandy beach with palm trees fluttering in the sea breeze and gentle salty waves licking the shoreline.  But if you’re an Islander, I’ll bet your vision of Heaven is something radically different.
     

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