It has been an ‘interesting’ few days.

It started on Saturday morning when I got up.

I went into the room where Sandy had been sleeping, and suddenly felt very dizzy.  There was the most appalling stench.  I began to hallucinate.

Sandy had had a dose of the squits.  Actually, when I say ‘dose’, I mean ‘tsunami’.  I haven’t witnessed so much shite since I last saw Bertie give evidence to the Mahon Tribunal.  It was everywhere.


Luckily, I had done a deal on eBay with Mikhail from Uzbekistan a couple of weeks ago for a few nuclear warheads, and he had accidentally enclosed some biological hazard suits as well.

I rooted one out, and was able to breathe again. 

I started the cleanup operation.

Herself came into the room in the middle of the operation.  She passed out straight away and collapsed into a rather large liquid pool in the corner.  I left her there to absorb some of it.

Eventually, I got the place cleaned, and with all the doors and windows open, the air began to clear a bit.

Our Sandy is extremely fastidious about  her toiletries.  She is so discreet, that she normally won’t do her business in the garden if anyone can see her, so she disappears behind bushes and trees.  Naturally, she was utterly mortified at her attempts to redecorate the house.

For the next couple of days, Sandy couldn’t show her face.  She didn’t eat, and kept trying to hide behind chairs and things.  We couldn’t allow this, in case she did another impression of a slurry spreader. 

By Sunday the liquid excrement production ceased.  Having already produced about ten times her body mass, I was quite impressed with her output up to that point. 

Then she started farting.

By Tuesday, I had had enough.  The paint was beginning to peel off the doors, and we had had complaints from people from over five miles away.  It was time for the vet.

We drove in silence apart from the odd rasping fart from Sandy.  I left the car windows open, and two cars behind me crashed when their drivers passed out from the fumes.

The vet greeted us cordially, though he looked a bit puzzled at my bio suit that I was wearing.  He made friends with Sandy who licked him enthusiastically on the face.

“She’s very friendly” said the vet in delight.

“She’s also very clean,” I said.  “She has been licking her arse all the way here.”

He returned after washing his face thoroughly, and asked me why I was wearing a bio suit.  At that moment, Sandy let rip again as if to answer his question and the vet had to go and change out of his clothes after vomiting all over himself.

He examined Sandy in the car park where the air was almost breathable, and gave her an injection.  He prescribed some pills too and took the rest of the day off.

Sandy is on the mend now.

It isn’t easy giving her the pills, because she pretends to swallow after I pop one in her mouth, but she manages to keep it in her cheek somehow.  I have to keep popping it in again.

The vet suggested a diet of chicken and rice, which is apparently what you give a dog that has diarrhoea.  That was fine by me so I have just ordered an extra chicken vindaloo every day.

We are just about back to normal now.

I’m not too sure about the brown carpet though.


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Burning ring of fire — 29 Comments

  1. Poor Sandy, hope she doesnt mind having her redecorated attempts published on the interweb, has anybody told her? Right to privacy etc etc etc.
    …scuse will I join NaRocRoc in doing some weetabix tossing……….. Oopps

  2. Charmed – Could we have less of the sympathy for Sandy please? What about me? I was the one who had to wheelbarrow it out the door and scrub the place?

    Flirty – I normally post a bit later in the day, but this one went out early as a special treat.

  3. animal poop just doesn’t bother me anymore. after having lived with as many as 15 cats and 11 dogs simultaneously i think i am immune to the smell of it. we are now down to just 2 cats. I was looking around just the other day and noticed there was no poop anywhere on the floor! even around the cat box! I could not believe it. animal poop has been such an important part of my life for so long! here’s some hugs and sympathy for you for having to clean it up while worrying what was causing it. sounds like sandy got into a bit of roadkill. that’ll do it everytime. go have a good rest, you deserve it.

  4. Prin – There was something about this dose that brough about an instant gag reflex. Wow, but it was awful!! The vet did ask if Sandy had eaten any foreign matter. I said the only thing was that she had chewed on a Mexican tourist she found in the village. He said that might have been enough.

  5. yeah, those spicy meals will do it every time too 🙂 Don’t have an extra suit do you? never know when the influx of critters will start up again around here and I might need one.

  6. Now, there’s a coincidence! I was just about to contact Mikhail in Uzbekistan again, as I’m running low on cruise missiles and printer ink. I’ll ask if he has any more suits.

  7. Chuckled all the way through. A Head Rambles classic. Hopefully your book is just as good as this post. Is the topic similar?

  8. forgotton all about the book 🙁 How could I, tsk tsk. tell more, like when, where etc. Is there a free copy for everyone in the audience, etc

  9. Is there a free copy for everyone in the audience


    Chance would be a fine thing. The way Herself is promising them to all friends and relations, I’m going to have to buy my own!

    Strangely enough, this is the fourth mention of the book today. Time I wrote a note about it?

  10. Now you see this worries me:

    “The book flits from topic to topic just like the site.”

    I never thought that sort of thing would bother me, but we took Jeremy Clarkson’s book on holiday. I thought it would make good reading…. Shows what I know!

    Each chapter appears to be a column he’s done in the newspaper, reading one is fine, reading three or four is fine, reading it like a book and expecting to go cover to cover (that’s what books are there for) doesn’t feel right…

    Most definitely toilet reading, not the content – just the way it’s set out… I hope yours is an improvement on that!!

  11. Poor poochie, stick a nappy on her and she’ll be grand. Either that or a healthy dose of cornflour in her food.

    Thickens even the runniest gravy!!!!

  12. Most definitely toilet reading

    Wow! My first critical slating! I would prefer to think of it as ‘coffee table’ material?

    The original idea was to write a novel. I wrote one, but wasn’t happy with it [though the publisher was]. The current plan is to publish a compendium in January, and a totally rewritten novel possibly in 2010.

  13. Maxi – I am delighted to say that the gawks seem to be over. The green tinge has gone from the air in the house too. We are all breathing normally, and Sandy is a happy camper.

  14. Wow! What a ‘crap’ post 😉

    I’m with Sixty here…

    I hurt from laughing!

    Well done, Grandad – your toilet humour excels. It’s a cracker!

    And get well soon, Sandy!

    p.s. you could always send a sample off to Harney, to be checked for C.Diff 😀

  15. Steph – If it were a work of fiction, I would bask in your praise. Unfortunately, life here is never simple and the Gods conspire to confuse me on a daily basis. I wouldn’t dare send a sample to Harney – she would have it spread throughout every hospital in Ireland in no time.

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